I had a traumatic run-in with a deadly assassin. I know you are thinking that I am no where near important enough to require an assassination attempt, however I am not lying.
As I sat quietly in my office, reading some sort of miscellaneous things on the Internet, I had that feeling as though something bad was going to happen. I looked around the room, and nothing was out of place. I listened to the room, hearing the slight rattling of the vent cover under my desk, I heard the dishwasher running from the kitchen, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Until, very discretely and almost unnoticeable, a small thump emitted from the spare room. I have heard noises similar before, an old house such as mine it tends to make a lot of creaky noises. However something seemed different. I felt a feeling of imminent danger.
My adrenaline, although not as useful as most people's stopping fear and making them brave, instead I just get paranoid and terrified. I somehow managed to get myself to stand and head towards the noise. I knew that it would be best to face the danger head on and not let it surprise me. At least then I could give the assassin a good ol' round house kick to the temple before they could fill my body with ninja stars.
As I entered the spare room I evaluated the danger and saw no ninjas. I am pretty skilled in spotting them out so I knew there was at least no full size ninjas in the room. However, I knew this was only the beginning.
I looked to the tank of the dreaded creature who lives in my house, the one that will likely outlive me and has been consistently out to get me. Gwen Stefani. Now, you may be wondering, why is Gwen Stefani in your guest room? Well, Gwen Stefani is Dave's pet. Aldo, to make more sense, the Gwen Stefani I am referring to is a turtle. So back to the point, I looked in the tank and noticed that I could not see the damned turtle. This is not completely abnormal because there are a few hiding places for her. So I approached slowly to check out the tank and make sure she was where she was supposed to be.
I stepped carefully, and ended up standing in Dave's laundry because the eerie feeling continued to hang in the air. As I looked through the tank and realized, no turtle. Shit. I looked the floor the see the giant evil turtle waiting to eat my foot off. Luckily, being in the laundry basket I was safe from the bitey little asshole that is Gwen Stefani. I quickly ran out of the room to go get the barbecue tongs because I knew that should I try to grab her with my bare hands she would have me exactly as she wanted and be able to bite her venomous poison into my blood stream. When I returned with the turtle extracting tongs, Gwen Stefani had made her escape.
I called Dave to inform him that his turtle was trying to kill me and question if it would die if I left it in the room without retuning it to its water tank. He told me that I was crazy and that there was no way it was out to kill me. Clearly hes in on the plan. So, because I apparently have a heart and a death wish, I try to find the stupid and clearly evil turtle. I try to pull out the drawers on the bed but the first wont come out.
When I pull the second out, the evil monster appears. I dive in without hesitation, grabbing at the sociopath turtle. As I reach for the devil's best friend, I hear a noise that could have ripped the paint off a Buick. Gwen Stefani was hissing her voodoo war cries at me. I grabbed her as gently as I could because should she be ripped in half due to bbq tongs Dave would probably be upset (even though she totally started it, he never understands).I threw her back into the tank and then took away her little branch thing so that she could no long escape. What would happen should she escape while I am asleep? Wake up to a deadly real live ninja turtle trying to kill me? No thank you.
I dislike this turtle.
Anyways, this took a lot longer than I anticipated and I am trying to finish cooking the stupid turkey Dave bought and then ran away to go four wheeling all day. Which is okay, because I now have an almost cooked turkey and I fixed it because he forgot the butter. You cannot forget butter when cooking. That's just crazy.
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| Pure Evil Real Live Ninja Turtle |
