Babbling

I am in a bad mood today so everything is pissing me off.

Here is a conversation I had with the Dragon Lady today: (Context, she asked me to give something to her boss when he hung up his phone.)

DL - "Did you, have you, could, could you, did you have the chance, were you able, did he get, how did, when, wh-"
Me- "Yes."

She stood in front of me babbling for so long just to ask if I handed him something that hardly even mattered. If I ever waited for her to finish a sentence before I answered pigs would have evolved to have thumbs and started learning how to operate helicopters.

Its okay that I interrupted her, because its asshole day and because she does this everyday. I feel bad being mean to her sometimes, but it gets a bit absurd. This is one example, I see her like 20 times a day in which every time I have to wait for her to start twelve sentences before she moves onto a verb. Its exhausting.

I am not posting very much today, I am so drained from this place. As the week goes on it sucks too much out of you and you lose all creative portions of your mind. I will do my best though!

Babbling

I am in a bad mood today so everything is pissing me off.

Here is a conversation I had with the Dragon Lady today: (Context, she asked me to give something to her boss when he hung up his phone.)

DL - "Did you, have you, could, could you, did you have the chance, were you able, did he get, how did, when, wh-"
Me- "Yes."

She stood in front of me babbling for so long just to ask if I handed him something that hardly even mattered. If I ever waited for her to finish a sentence before I answered pigs would have evolved to have thumbs and started learning how to operate helicopters.

Its okay that I interrupted her, because its asshole day and because she does this everyday. I feel bad being mean to her sometimes, but it gets a bit absurd. This is one example, I see her like 20 times a day in which every time I have to wait for her to start twelve sentences before she moves onto a verb. Its exhausting.

I am not posting very much today, I am so drained from this place. As the week goes on it sucks too much out of you and you lose all creative portions of your mind. I will do my best though!

My Office Chair is Killing Me

This is my office chair.

I am sure that the tiny holes in the fabric are caused by the tiny creatures floating around with poison in syringes that are used to slowly kill my spirit and whatever is left of my soul that I didn't sell already. The red arrows highlight the common stabbing points.

The poison targets the portions of your mind that hold positive memories and feelings, and kills them leaving behind only negative thoughts. They hope these negative thoughts will motivate people into working harder, henceforth leading to a promotion, henceforth leading to a raise, henceforth being able to buy new things, henceforth "buying happiness". They really don't listen to the generally accepted proverb of "money can't buy you happiness", which I don't fully believe either. If money can't buy you happiness, it can buy you lots of things that make you feel safe and secure, and then you have time to work on all the other stuff that Maslow said is important. I cannot concern myself with Self Actualization if I am busy working my ass off to pay my mortgage. So Money in turn can buy you happiness, but kill my spirit won't make me money, it just makes me shut down.

12 more working days left here before this chair is no longer able to suck out my happiness.

Hooray!

My Office Chair is Killing Me

This is my office chair.

I am sure that the tiny holes in the fabric are caused by the tiny creatures floating around with poison in syringes that are used to slowly kill my spirit and whatever is left of my soul that I didn't sell already. The red arrows highlight the common stabbing points.

The poison targets the portions of your mind that hold positive memories and feelings, and kills them leaving behind only negative thoughts. They hope these negative thoughts will motivate people into working harder, henceforth leading to a promotion, henceforth leading to a raise, henceforth being able to buy new things, henceforth "buying happiness". They really don't listen to the generally accepted proverb of "money can't buy you happiness", which I don't fully believe either. If money can't buy you happiness, it can buy you lots of things that make you feel safe and secure, and then you have time to work on all the other stuff that Maslow said is important. I cannot concern myself with Self Actualization if I am busy working my ass off to pay my mortgage. So Money in turn can buy you happiness, but kill my spirit won't make me money, it just makes me shut down.

12 more working days left here before this chair is no longer able to suck out my happiness.

Hooray!

Bathroom Etiquette

As previously mentioned and whined about, I work in an office. I don’t really think that I am meant to work in an office. I think that I am meant to be home in my sweatpants writing about people who don’t exist anywhere but in my scary black hole of a mind, however as of yet this has not paid any bills.

One of my main issues with working in this office, is the bathroom.

Now issue number 1:

The bathroom is outside of a door that is instantly locked and requires a swipe card to open. Granted I obviously have such a card, however should you forget it at your desk you look like an idiot waiting for someone staring through the window like a puppy in a pet store. The thing about these cards is that they are either on the lanyards which I believe we can all agree look pretty silly outside the building, or like mine, are on a clip on an extendo cord. I hook mine onto my pocket. The issue with this is, I have scars forming on my left hand/knuckles where the damn thing hits me every day if I flail my arms too much and lets be honest here, I flail a lot. Flailing keeps you sane. I should make a bumper sticker.

(This car looks like it could drive in space with its round roof and excessive tires... also, I should probably get that vanity plate because its clearly AWSM! I am going to make this right now and will update you when its ready!UPDATE: http://www.zazzle.ca/flailing_bumper_sticker-128461492611209507 I did it!)

Anyways, on with the bathroom issue number 2:

Once you have exited the confined pen of workers in their khakis and hairspray, and you go into the bathroom and if lucky enough you able to find it empty. Then you can look in the mirror and clean anything out of your teeth, fix your hair, check and make sure your shirts not tucked up under your underwear, all the basics without the crazy person from two cubicles down watching you.

Then comes time to choose a stall. My bathroom here has four. Three regular size and one handicapped size. I usually take the regular one either one the wall or the regular one next to the handicapped one leaving much room for more people to use one nowhere near me, unless some bathroom emergency of the floor occurs where all the stalls fill up.  

Now, when the next person who should come in should take the stall at least one empty stall away. That is common knowledge and common courtesy. I have no desire to be less than two feet away from another person while I am peeing even if the magical metal barrier that separates gives this other person the illusion that I can’t hear them farting. Because I can. These women I work with, I just don’t overly understand if they are lonely, scared or need someone to give them a comforting word as they explode their liver into the porcelain receptacle,  but they have severe issues in understanding personal space.

So in the future, ladies of the workplace, whenever you go to a public washroom, whether there are 3 stalls or 30, if it is at all possible to choose one that is not directly beside another person, then choose that one. Otherwise you are just freaking people out.

Acceptable Exceptions:

-        Left over’s from previous idiot who doesn’t know how to flush in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away

-        Some idiot performing the hover manoeuvre to avoid getting set germs left pee everywhere in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away

-        It stinks in the stall that is the appropriate distance away

-        No toilet paper in the stall that is the appropriate distance away

-        You can hear the mini toilet penguins swimming in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away and want to avoid their siren songs which result in death by swirly. Tragic. 

Bathroom Etiquette

As previously mentioned and whined about, I work in an office. I don’t really think that I am meant to work in an office. I think that I am meant to be home in my sweatpants writing about people who don’t exist anywhere but in my scary black hole of a mind, however as of yet this has not paid any bills.

One of my main issues with working in this office, is the bathroom.

Now issue number 1:

The bathroom is outside of a door that is instantly locked and requires a swipe card to open. Granted I obviously have such a card, however should you forget it at your desk you look like an idiot waiting for someone staring through the window like a puppy in a pet store. The thing about these cards is that they are either on the lanyards which I believe we can all agree look pretty silly outside the building, or like mine, are on a clip on an extendo cord. I hook mine onto my pocket. The issue with this is, I have scars forming on my left hand/knuckles where the damn thing hits me every day if I flail my arms too much and lets be honest here, I flail a lot. Flailing keeps you sane. I should make a bumper sticker.

(This car looks like it could drive in space with its round roof and excessive tires... also, I should probably get that vanity plate because its clearly AWSM! I am going to make this right now and will update you when its ready!UPDATE: http://www.zazzle.ca/flailing_bumper_sticker-128461492611209507 I did it!)

Anyways, on with the bathroom issue number 2:

Once you have exited the confined pen of workers in their khakis and hairspray, and you go into the bathroom and if lucky enough you able to find it empty. Then you can look in the mirror and clean anything out of your teeth, fix your hair, check and make sure your shirts not tucked up under your underwear, all the basics without the crazy person from two cubicles down watching you.

Then comes time to choose a stall. My bathroom here has four. Three regular size and one handicapped size. I usually take the regular one either one the wall or the regular one next to the handicapped one leaving much room for more people to use one nowhere near me, unless some bathroom emergency of the floor occurs where all the stalls fill up.  

Now, when the next person who should come in should take the stall at least one empty stall away. That is common knowledge and common courtesy. I have no desire to be less than two feet away from another person while I am peeing even if the magical metal barrier that separates gives this other person the illusion that I can’t hear them farting. Because I can. These women I work with, I just don’t overly understand if they are lonely, scared or need someone to give them a comforting word as they explode their liver into the porcelain receptacle,  but they have severe issues in understanding personal space.

So in the future, ladies of the workplace, whenever you go to a public washroom, whether there are 3 stalls or 30, if it is at all possible to choose one that is not directly beside another person, then choose that one. Otherwise you are just freaking people out.

Acceptable Exceptions:

-        Left over’s from previous idiot who doesn’t know how to flush in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away

-        Some idiot performing the hover manoeuvre to avoid getting set germs left pee everywhere in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away

-        It stinks in the stall that is the appropriate distance away

-        No toilet paper in the stall that is the appropriate distance away

-        You can hear the mini toilet penguins swimming in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away and want to avoid their siren songs which result in death by swirly. Tragic. 

Elevator Personality Test

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they ride the elevator. In my time at this job ,I have probably accumulated several hours of elevator-ride time. I work on the 18^th Floor of my building so taking the stairs is not really an option for the chubby out of shape girl. Also, you can’t actually access the stairs going up and they don’t like you to come out of them at the bottom (it might actually set of alarms I am not sure). They like to check your pass if you want to go in for security purposes. Also, I think it just makes their jobs a bit more fun to see all the really bad pictures all day.

Back to the elevators!

There are 5 main types of people as I have found through my very advanced psychological experiment through my vast and varied sample groups... Obviously this is legit people.

 

Type 1: The Button Presser

This is the person who presses the button eight times even when its already lit up. They proceed to press the floor they are going to and immediately tap on the door close button in hopes that it will actually close. (In my building especially that button is a cruel joke placed by engineers looking to ruin these peoples days). Then, when the elevator stops at any number of the floors (in all honesty at this building it usually stops at every floor) they sigh dramatically and as soon as the person is on/off they slam the door close button repeatedly until it finally closes.

General characteristics: Ego-centric, impatient, usually rude, characteristic dramatic sigh at all stops

Exceptions: Sometimes when you’re running late and the elevator won’t come, you have to push the button repeatedly just to give you brain something to focus on other than your lateness.

Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Do you believe that pressing the door close button actually works?

2.      Do you tap your foot as you ride?

3.      Do you sigh dramatically because the elevator dare stop and interrupt your schedule?

4.      Do you believe the elevators are scheming against you to try to get you fired?

If you answered Yes to any or all of these questions, you are a Type 1 – button presser. Please proceed to your nearest psychiatrist and obtain some mild sedatives before your colleagues attack you – or worse, the elevators.

Type 2: Captain Molasses

This is the person who is standing waiting for the elevator patiently, usually off in their own space-cadet world. They hear the ding of the elevator notifying its arrival but don’t really look to see which elevator it is (We have 6 elevators in our building). They listen and notice the doors are open but usually at this point someone they know is walking by and they proceed to chat as they slowly mosey to the elevator. The poor chump already in the elevator stands holding the door out of politeness until the person reaches the door, holds it themselves, and continues to chat for another moment causing the person inside to turn purple in rage (especially if they are Type 1). Once they are in the elevator they slowly push the button and wait patiently. When they arrive at their floor they ooze out of the elevator as if their back end was stuck in a vacuum and are always sure to cover the entire space of the door blocking that poor elevator-person behind until they feel it necessary to dislodge and mosey out.

General characteristics: Lazy, slow, and social

Exceptions: Someone who is injured and cannot physically move faster gets a free pass.

        Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Do you walk slower than most people?

2.      Do you stand in the door way of the elevator long enough for it to start closing?

3.      Do your fellow elevator riders look at you in disgust?

4.      Do you find yourself looking to waste time by chatting with people you don’t really like?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then you need to pick up the pace and stop getting in peoples way because you are a Type 2 – Captain Molasses. If you want to move slow, please just stay out of the way so the others don’t go crazy?

Type 3: The Creeper

This is the person who no matter how empty the elevator is, always stands directly behind/beside you, close enough you can feel their breath. Fairly self explanatory, but a million times more traumatizing then any other elevator experience short of it getting stuck for many hours. The worst situation possible would be being stuck in an elevator with this person... that would be terrible.

General characteristics: Lack of basic social skills, thinks they are being friendly, creepy as all crap.

Exceptions: There are no exceptions for this, step the F*&? Back. Now. Thank you.

Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Do you like to stand close to people?

2.      Do you often stand so close you can smell the person’s shampoo?

3.      Are you able to comment on a person’s scalp condition that you are not intimately involved with?

4.      Do you breath in a fashion resembling Darth Vader?          

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then back the F!@# up you Type 3 – The Creeper. People don’t like you as much as you think they do, they are simply just afraid you will axe murder them if they dare say anything to you. Take it from me; people will be nicer to you if you stop breathing on them. Seriously. I promise.

Type 4: Gobblers

These are the people that, whether or not you know them, blabber on to you for the entire duration of your decent/assent about things you couldn’t care less about. They tell you about their ex-mother-in-laws botched face lift, their “Uncle” Cathy’s sex change, anything to keep the awkward silence from reminding them of their own insecurities.

General characteristics: insecure, social, probably from a small town, gossip, good intentions but at 7 am no one cares so please stop.

Exceptions: You can chat if you know the person... or if they give you the general, “How’s she going” nod. But in the city that is rare.  So please just keep to the awkward social protocol of entering the elevator and shutting up.

Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Do you find that people around you are no longer answering your question switch any more then the common “mmhmm’s” or “okay’s”?

2.      Do you find people turn away when they see you waiting for the elevator?

3.      Do you notice people turning up their IPod’s when you start to talk?

4.      Do you find your throat is sore from talking by the end of the day?

If you answered yes to any or all of these then you are a Type 4 – Gobbler. You should probably be quiet for a little bit and try to internalize this and before you go on gobbling to everyone how you are a gobbler or any other stories, think to yourself these two very important things: 1. Does it affect anyone at all? 2. Even if it does, do you think they will care? Chances are the answer is no... so just stay quiet for a bit.

Type 5: Ninjas

These are the people that as soon as the elevator doors open they sneak in and try to get the doors closed before anyone else jumps in. They are courteous if someone else gets in but they are the lucky ones who seem to have the elevators arriving at their simplest whim and they seem to be able to make it more than one floor down before it stops again. They are magic people and are very lucky.

Characteristics: excellent timing, clever, 6^th sense of elevator-preparedness

Exceptions: When caught trying to close the door when someone is coming is very awkward once the other person makes it. You lose ninja status if people are making it into your elevators too often and then you are relabelled as a Type 1, unable to reapply for ninja status for at least 6 months.

Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Can you escape your building without your boss knowing?

2.      Can you get out of the building and back to your desk with a coffee or snack without anyone even knowing you were gone?

3.      Do the elevators actually close the doors when you try to?

4.      Are you proficient in elevator martial arts? Yes its a thing, if you don’t know then the answer is no.

If you answered yes to any or all of these then lucky you, you are a Type 5 – Ninja! You are the sneakiest of all the elevator riders and you have the privilege of spending most of your time in the elevator unaccompanied by chatty, neck breathing, button pressing slow pokes. Good on you.

 

 BONUS TYPE: THE CHILD

This is a rare form of person that is not one of the most basic types but comes out mostly when in crowds of people who are all friends / related. Not specifically referring to an actual child, this is the person who feels it necessary to jump on the elevator, push all the buttons in goofy patterns, and in general have no respect for others.

General Characteristics: Immature, usually only occurs in groups, typically loud and laughing, potentially drunk.

Exceptions: Not even actual children should do this, parents should not submit other people to their demon spawn kids. If you kid can't handle the elevator take the stairs. That is mean yes, but if you aren't alone then don't let your kids near the elevator buttons.

(No test necessary, you know who you are...)

 

So, all that said, these basic profiles of elevator riders can be translated out to the real world by the general characteristics. Next time you want to judge a person’s character, bring them into an elevator in a strange place they don’t know and see what happens. By the way, I drew you another picture. Yes I am so generous, thank you.

 

 

 

Elevator Personality Test

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they ride the elevator. In my time at this job ,I have probably accumulated several hours of elevator-ride time. I work on the 18^th Floor of my building so taking the stairs is not really an option for the chubby out of shape girl. Also, you can’t actually access the stairs going up and they don’t like you to come out of them at the bottom (it might actually set of alarms I am not sure). They like to check your pass if you want to go in for security purposes. Also, I think it just makes their jobs a bit more fun to see all the really bad pictures all day.

Back to the elevators!

There are 5 main types of people as I have found through my very advanced psychological experiment through my vast and varied sample groups... Obviously this is legit people.

Type 1: The Button Presser

This is the person who presses the button eight times even when its already lit up. They proceed to press the floor they are going to and immediately tap on the door close button in hopes that it will actually close. (In my building especially that button is a cruel joke placed by engineers looking to ruin these peoples days). Then, when the elevator stops at any number of the floors (in all honesty at this building it usually stops at every floor) they sigh dramatically and as soon as the person is on/off they slam the door close button repeatedly until it finally closes.

General characteristics: Ego-centric, impatient, usually rude, characteristic dramatic sigh at all stops

Exceptions: Sometimes when you’re running late and the elevator won’t come, you have to push the button repeatedly just to give you brain something to focus on other than your lateness.

Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Do you believe that pressing the door close button actually works?

2.      Do you tap your foot as you ride?

3.      Do you sigh dramatically because the elevator dare stop and interrupt your schedule?

4.      Do you believe the elevators are scheming against you to try to get you fired?

If you answered Yes to any or all of these questions, you are a Type 1 – button presser. Please proceed to your nearest psychiatrist and obtain some mild sedatives before your colleagues attack you – or worse, the elevators.

Type 2: Captain Molasses

This is the person who is standing waiting for the elevator patiently, usually off in their own space-cadet world. They hear the ding of the elevator notifying its arrival but don’t really look to see which elevator it is (We have 6 elevators in our building). They listen and notice the doors are open but usually at this point someone they know is walking by and they proceed to chat as they slowly mosey to the elevator. The poor chump already in the elevator stands holding the door out of politeness until the person reaches the door, holds it themselves, and continues to chat for another moment causing the person inside to turn purple in rage (especially if they are Type 1). Once they are in the elevator they slowly push the button and wait patiently. When they arrive at their floor they ooze out of the elevator as if their back end was stuck in a vacuum and are always sure to cover the entire space of the door blocking that poor elevator-person behind until they feel it necessary to dislodge and mosey out.

General characteristics: Lazy, slow, and social

Exceptions: Someone who is injured and cannot physically move faster gets a free pass.

        Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Do you walk slower than most people?

2.      Do you stand in the door way of the elevator long enough for it to start closing?

3.      Do your fellow elevator riders look at you in disgust?

4.      Do you find yourself looking to waste time by chatting with people you don’t really like?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then you need to pick up the pace and stop getting in peoples way because you are a Type 2 – Captain Molasses. If you want to move slow, please just stay out of the way so the others don’t go crazy?

Type 3: The Creeper

This is the person who no matter how empty the elevator is, always stands directly behind/beside you, close enough you can feel their breath. Fairly self explanatory, but a million times more traumatizing then any other elevator experience short of it getting stuck for many hours. The worst situation possible would be being stuck in an elevator with this person... that would be terrible.

General characteristics: Lack of basic social skills, thinks they are being friendly, creepy as all crap.

Exceptions: There are no exceptions for this, step the F*&? Back. Now. Thank you.

Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Do you like to stand close to people?

2.      Do you often stand so close you can smell the person’s shampoo?

3.      Are you able to comment on a person’s scalp condition that you are not intimately involved with?

4.      Do you breath in a fashion resembling Darth Vader?          

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then back the F!@# up you Type 3 – The Creeper. People don’t like you as much as you think they do, they are simply just afraid you will axe murder them if they dare say anything to you. Take it from me; people will be nicer to you if you stop breathing on them. Seriously. I promise.

Type 4: Gobblers

These are the people that, whether or not you know them, blabber on to you for the entire duration of your decent/assent about things you couldn’t care less about. They tell you about their ex-mother-in-laws botched face lift, their “Uncle” Cathy’s sex change, anything to keep the awkward silence from reminding them of their own insecurities.

General characteristics: insecure, social, probably from a small town, gossip, good intentions but at 7 am no one cares so please stop.

Exceptions: You can chat if you know the person... or if they give you the general, “How’s she going” nod. But in the city that is rare.  So please just keep to the awkward social protocol of entering the elevator and shutting up.

Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Do you find that people around you are no longer answering your question switch any more then the common “mmhmm’s” or “okay’s”?

2.      Do you find people turn away when they see you waiting for the elevator?

3.      Do you notice people turning up their IPod’s when you start to talk?

4.      Do you find your throat is sore from talking by the end of the day?

If you answered yes to any or all of these then you are a Type 4 – Gobbler. You should probably be quiet for a little bit and try to internalize this and before you go on gobbling to everyone how you are a gobbler or any other stories, think to yourself these two very important things: 1. Does it affect anyone at all? 2. Even if it does, do you think they will care? Chances are the answer is no... so just stay quiet for a bit.

Type 5: Ninjas

These are the people that as soon as the elevator doors open they sneak in and try to get the doors closed before anyone else jumps in. They are courteous if someone else gets in but they are the lucky ones who seem to have the elevators arriving at their simplest whim and they seem to be able to make it more than one floor down before it stops again. They are magic people and are very lucky.

Characteristics: excellent timing, clever, 6^th sense of elevator-preparedness

Exceptions: When caught trying to close the door when someone is coming is very awkward once the other person makes it. You lose ninja status if people are making it into your elevators too often and then you are relabelled as a Type 1, unable to reapply for ninja status for at least 6 months.

Are you this person? Answer the following questions:

1.      Can you escape your building without your boss knowing?

2.      Can you get out of the building and back to your desk with a coffee or snack without anyone even knowing you were gone?

3.      Do the elevators actually close the doors when you try to?

4.      Are you proficient in elevator martial arts? Yes its a thing, if you don’t know then the answer is no.

If you answered yes to any or all of these then lucky you, you are a Type 5 – Ninja! You are the sneakiest of all the elevator riders and you have the privilege of spending most of your time in the elevator unaccompanied by chatty, neck breathing, button pressing slow pokes. Good on you.

 BONUS TYPE: THE CHILD

This is a rare form of person that is not one of the most basic types but comes out mostly when in crowds of people who are all friends / related. Not specifically referring to an actual child, this is the person who feels it necessary to jump on the elevator, push all the buttons in goofy patterns, and in general have no respect for others.

General Characteristics: Immature, usually only occurs in groups, typically loud and laughing, potentially drunk.

Exceptions: Not even actual children should do this, parents should not submit other people to their demon spawn kids. If you kid can't handle the elevator take the stairs. That is mean yes, but if you aren't alone then don't let your kids near the elevator buttons.

(No test necessary, you know who you are...)

So, all that said, these basic profiles of elevator riders can be translated out to the real world by the general characteristics. Next time you want to judge a person’s character, bring them into an elevator in a strange place they don’t know and see what happens. By the way, I drew you another picture. Yes I am so generous, thank you.

Why I need Crayons at Work

I firmly believe my productivity at work would skyrocket should I be provided with the appropriate tools to express my creativity should the mood strike. The problem with my job is everything follows a template, is formatted and quality controlled to the point of the size of the space between paragraphs is adjusted if it is off my 0.05 millimetres.

If this workplace allowed me to establish “creativity time” I truly believe it would not only increase productivity, but the morale as well.

This is the most grey and boring office building imaginable. People here are afraid to display any sort of personality whether it be in their ill-fitting suits or their lack of personal pictures. The most a person has in their office is one small picture of their children (on average there are likely four or five who have more).

In my office I have the most excellent ever-growing collage possible in a boring grey cubicle. I may not have any personal pictures up but I do have a picture of a baby elephant playing soccer, a bulldog in a tutu and a small article about dinosaur farts. Beat that class pictures of your children. Every time someone notices my bizarre display they always smile and say “Oh that’s nice...” in that creepy, slow, plotting way. I am waiting for the day that I am fired for being too colourful.

So, if this workplace could just see the bigger picture for a minute they would realize that personality equals productivity. If you let me wear the clothes I am comfortable in, and decorate my office in ways I want (without the constant fear of judgement) I will be happier, and when I am happier, I work better.

So back to the idea of creativity time. Should my work give me like... say 20 minutes a day to doodle, colour, sketch whatever, even though I am not very talented at any of those things it might help me not want to explode the rest of the day. And the less I want to explode, the happier I am, the happier I am, the more work will get done. This is just logic people, clear and simple. If you give me crayons, that clearly leads to me being a better human-stapler. I can almost promise.

The problem with this is that with my type of attention span, the honest to goodness real truth is that I would likely get caught colouring at all hours of the day which is why I cannot have crayons at work right now. I should probably just go get a job at the Crayola factory, I am sure they wouldn’t be as unfair about the no-colouring-during-work-hours rule. It would just be hypocritical on their part. Or, my work should just understand that my mind cannot be harness for their menial tasks and that I am just meant to draw pictures of a T-Rex driving a spaceship.

I spelled Extinct wrong? Damn the lack of spell check on Post-it Art! I would fix it but instead I will allow the Internet to laugh of my inadequacies. There are many so brace yourself.

Why I need Crayons at Work

I firmly believe my productivity at work would skyrocket should I be provided with the appropriate tools to express my creativity should the mood strike. The problem with my job is everything follows a template, is formatted and quality controlled to the point of the size of the space between paragraphs is adjusted if it is off my 0.05 millimetres.

If this workplace allowed me to establish “creativity time” I truly believe it would not only increase productivity, but the morale as well.

This is the most grey and boring office building imaginable. People here are afraid to display any sort of personality whether it be in their ill-fitting suits or their lack of personal pictures. The most a person has in their office is one small picture of their children (on average there are likely four or five who have more).

In my office I have the most excellent ever-growing collage possible in a boring grey cubicle. I may not have any personal pictures up but I do have a picture of a baby elephant playing soccer, a bulldog in a tutu and a small article about dinosaur farts. Beat that class pictures of your children. Every time someone notices my bizarre display they always smile and say “Oh that’s nice...” in that creepy, slow, plotting way. I am waiting for the day that I am fired for being too colourful.

So, if this workplace could just see the bigger picture for a minute they would realize that personality equals productivity. If you let me wear the clothes I am comfortable in, and decorate my office in ways I want (without the constant fear of judgement) I will be happier, and when I am happier, I work better.

So back to the idea of creativity time. Should my work give me like... say 20 minutes a day to doodle, colour, sketch whatever, even though I am not very talented at any of those things it might help me not want to explode the rest of the day. And the less I want to explode, the happier I am, the happier I am, the more work will get done. This is just logic people, clear and simple. If you give me crayons, that clearly leads to me being a better human-stapler. I can almost promise.

The problem with this is that with my type of attention span, the honest to goodness real truth is that I would likely get caught colouring at all hours of the day which is why I cannot have crayons at work right now. I should probably just go get a job at the Crayola factory, I am sure they wouldn’t be as unfair about the no-colouring-during-work-hours rule. It would just be hypocritical on their part. Or, my work should just understand that my mind cannot be harness for their menial tasks and that I am just meant to draw pictures of a T-Rex driving a spaceship.

I spelled Extinct wrong? Damn the lack of spell check on Post-it Art! I would fix it but instead I will allow the Internet to laugh of my inadequacies. There are many so brace yourself.