Postemptive Punches

Today seems like a day where everyone deserves to be punched in the arm.

Even if they haven't done anything today, you know they either did something before and got away with it, or are planning it do something in the future. Its a preemptive punch. Or a postemptive...depending on which it was... What's the word for that. I'm the worst writer in the world. According to google its reactive.. But its probably a delayed reaction so I doubt that's the word I want. New word invention time:

Postemptive: (post-emp-tive) when some did something days, months or even years ago and you are only reacting to it now. Usually includes a punch or two. (Interest can be added, doubling number of punches should the action deserve it). Opposite of preemptive

There. Fixed.

Good thing they invented the internet so idiots like me can make up shit and pretend like we don't suck at life.

Moral of the story: today, everyone deserves to be punched in the arm.

Even me. But only if its by like... A small child or a skinny woman. Mostly because I bruise like a really old banana. And also because I feel that because I am the one who not only realized that today is a punchy kind of day but invented a new word, that you should cut me a little bit of slack...no?

Its just one of those days where everything is stupid. Except my sweatpants. Those could do no wrong. Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Rough Weekend

I wonder if any of you so called "subscribers" are real or if its spam. I'm not sure if you can be a spam subscriber. If you are subscribed as a user to this leave a comment, then I will know you are for real and it'll make my day.

I could use a good day. This weekend was tougher then need be.

Starting on saturday, Winston started acting funny. He was standing all crooked and holding his legs up. Apparently that got worse saturday night, (I wasn't home, forever guilty). When I got home Sunday he had basically a partial seizure in my arms so we brought him to the animal hospital where they told us a few scenarios all of which made me cry. None sounded good. Vet herself was all: "this doesn't give me a good feeling". She wanted to keep him for observation but it was going to be almost a grand and I don't have that kind of money. So we brought him home, despite how guilty and terrible I felt - although if he got worse I would have brought him back.

Instead (thankgoodness) he just got better. He didn't have any more episodes, he just took a few naps and then played when he woke up as though nothing happened. So I brought his crate to sleep in my room so I could stare at him all night and make sure he was okay.

Next morning, fake ontario holiday called Family day, wake up and my house was 56 degrees. It was chilly. Luckily we have a wood stove so we got that going and warmed it up enough but then I had to try to call the oil people but it was a holiday so they weren't open. After much hassle and waiting we got enough oil on an emergency help thingy and a call from the oil office to fix everything.

But needless to say, I'm exhausted. The emotional draining day of sunday mixed with the corporate rage of monday have made me useless to the world today. I just want to eat a tub of ice cream and sleep.

At least Winston is doing better. I will be keeping a close eye on him however for now, you should know he sleeps so soundly that very little affects him. He is hilarious. Its kind of scary when he doesn't respond but he snores so I know he's breathing. Yesterday I managed to not only trim all his tiny little nails, but individually file them after so they wouldn't be all sharp when he paws at my face. He is pretty wonderful.

Sorry this post isn't funny. I'm too exhausted to be funny. When my robotness rebalances and all the feelings evacuate my system I'll be good to go. I hate when feelings happen. They are so disruptive.

Anyways... I'm going to include a Winston picture of him sleeping in all his glory.

Leave comments! Make suggestions! Ask questions! It'll give me more interesting things to talk about other than my glitched emotional day.

Also, don't forget, if you have any anonymous questions you would like to get help from Luis the attack squirrel, he is at your service: askluis@yellowshoesinthecity.com

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I fought a Robot

So, Sandy, Crystal, Kris and I all had an adventure. By adventure, I mean we went phone shopping for Sandy and this resulted in me getting in a fight with a robot. I never do well around my own kind.

What happened was this,

Me: "Hi Siri"

Siri: "Screw you bitch"

Me: That is uncalled for, you are rude. Tell me where McDonald's is"

Siri: "There are five McDonald's close to you, asshole"

Me: "You are a smart ass"

(screen reads "You are Smart") Siri: "Thank you."

Me: "You are a Jerk Siri!"

Siri: "Now, Now"

Crystal: "Ooop, it told you."

Me: "This isn't over Siri, it will never be over" *plots evilly*

This was followed by another visit to another phone place, where we had already been earlier. When he said, why don't you want an Iphone and Kris answered "Because Mac products are stupid" they burst into pretentious laughter. I didn't know maniacal laughter could be pretentious, I also didn't know that workers of the service industry were allowed to openly laugh at customers. If I did that when I worked at the depot I would have been fired. They openly laughed and snarkily remarked about my phone, being all "ooh, hows your blackberry treating you" and I was all "Just fine you smug son of a bitch" but only half of that's true. I only said the second half. ... not really, I am not that ballsy.

Oh well. Phone people don't like me but I do always get discounts when I go.

Kris, Crystal and I did leave several terrifying pictures on the Ipads at best buy. Take that consumerism... I would love to be a part of your devilish ways but you expect me to pay for you... Get your head out of your ass. That won't happen.

Robot-Sloth-Cow

I am pretty sure I had something to say yesterday... I was all "I will totally make another post after the Winston post because some people may not like pugs (btw unless one ate your face then no excuse they are awesome.)"and then I got distracted.

Inner me was all "hey Tanya, yes you, the one perpetually wearing sweatpants, go exercise now dammit." (not sure if the word perpetually applies here but the inner me has a terrible vocabulary)

then I was all "but, up here there are teddy grahams and puppies."

Inner me was all, "Ya but you're fat."

And the I cried ... but not really. Because when robots cry they start to rust and I seem to have lost my oil can.

And then inner me was all, "If you go on your treadmill you can go watch some more episodes of season one of New Girl."

And then I was all, "Are you trying to bribe me?"

And then inner me was all, "No I am trying to save you from becoming one of those 700 lb people who need people to roll them over every six hours to check if there are any living things trapped in your rolls."

And then I glared at inner me for a minute and then she was all "Well, if you exercise then you can eat KD. It is counterproductive but at least if you move then you will be less sloth-like."

And then I was all "You're pretty mouthy for someone who is a figment of psychosis?"

And then inner me was all, "Well screw you cow."

And then I laughed and went to work out because I figured being a robot-sloth-cow who needed a designated rotation specialist was a bit much. I will stick with robot... I just need to track down that stupid oil can.

[caption id="attachment_330" align="alignnone" width="1280"] Very realistic looking robot. I paid a lot to hide the mechanics.[/caption]

Sir Winston Batdog Pugglesworth

According to my friend Jake that is his entire name. We just call him Winston because other wise it too time consuming.





He is pretty cool! Last night he slept through the night so I am extra happy. Now we know we need to run him around for three hours until he is literally so tired he cannot stay awake anymore and  then put him to bed. It worked splendidly. He is pretty awesome. I haven't had a puppy in a really long time so it is a bit of an adjustment but it is fun!

Anyways, I am going to go write a real post because I will do what I can to prevent this blog from just becoming a Pug picture center!

Unhealthy, Robotic Attachment

So, as a robot I have a semi-challenging time with regular human interactions. This may sound crazy because well, I am technically human but I think my brain operates mostly as a half-broken robot. So simple things like making friends, small talk, maintaining friendships are very challenging and mostly just don't happen. This is why they invented the internet...So I don't have to do that crap right?

Well, another side effect of my weird robotic brain, is that I apparently feel unnatural connections to TV characters. Perhaps because they come to me through a screen and don't actually expect me to interact with them, but I get to be privy to all their secrets, but I think its mostly because I am obviously a nut.

So last night, I was watching one of my very favorite TV shows: New Girl. This show is just the greatest. It is I believe tied for 1st in the rankings of favorite TV shows that are currently airing. Its just so good. I am sort of convinced that one of the main characters may be loosely based on me - but thats not a good thing because he is kind of crazy. But I mostly just love him anyways. For those of you who are crazy and aren't enjoying this excellent 30 minutes of quality comedy each week, you can just imagine I am talking about a show you know.

This week, (stop reading if you haven't watched the show yet and immediately go watch it) my little robo-heart almost stopped several times. I cannot even comprehend so much emotion in my day to day life as I felt in those 30 minutes. (Don't get me wrong I do HAVE feelings, I just cannot express them in sufficiently human ways. Kind of like a Vulcan. But my ears are not pointy I swear.) Now, to those who watch new girl, it was crazy right? Best episode ever right? To those who don't, I am getting to the point (no there's not really a point, are you new here? Give up that delusion now.)

Anyways, what I am trying to express is that after the episode ended and my little fan-girl robo-heart began to pump the oil through my pipes again I kind of just felt embarrassed. I know there are lots of girls everywhere freaking out adn tweeting and tumblr-ing and all, problem is, I am twenty four years old. And then as soon as that embarrassment crossed my mind I just laughed adn said, I don't give two shits if I am twenty four, I am not a regular twenty four year old. For my birthday this year, I received a 2.5 foot tall Batman Action Figure - from my grandparents. I do not follow normal social progressions apparently. I have tried in the past, but that is too boring.

So this is basically just a rambling bunch of words to express that I don't care if you think I am crazy, but I am going to be excited that the people in my show kissed. It wasn't even just that they kissed, they KISSED. Like, destroyed all other TV kisses instantly in my mind and has replaced even Ross and Rachel's big kisses (They had many because, well, they are Ross and Rachel - I still love them though.) It was so well done and so different and so awesomely surprising. I guess everyone else in teh world knew it was going to happen, but there was only like 50 seconds left in the show and SHABAM most important plot twist EVER. I feel bad for anyone whose PVR cut it off. I would have died. Although I watched it live.... and may have rewatched it when I got home.

Point being (how many times can I say that in one post before you give up on me and realize there is never going to be a point?) I am a nerd. I am a nerd who loves things. I love TV shows, I love movies, I love comic books, I love novels, I love so many other things and I intend to do so unapologetically.

I think I might love TV most of all. Me and TV have a very in depth relationship. I really wish sometimes that I could move to LA and write for TV shows. I don't know how one could go do that, but i bet they need more then a sick obsession and a psych degree. Unless I was writing for Doctor Phil. I bet I am more qualified to dole out advice then that guy. Probably not, I think he was once a doctor... now he just says random hilbillie mad libs and people believe him.

Here's how you give doctor Phil style advice:

You need to get your ____(adjective)____, ___(adjective)____, __(body part)___, out the ___(place you would find on a farm)____ before the ___(adjective)____ ____(barn yard animal)___ takes/gives/steals your ____(something possessed by those with self esteem ex: confidence, dignity etc...)______!

But, moral of the story is: I like TV, especially New Girl. I would like to go meet the cast and congratulate them for being the most relatable (apparently this isnt a word but I am too tired to think of a better one) show on TV. I can relate to any of the characters at any given moment. I love them all. It is such a well rounded cast and I hope it lasts for many many years and succeeds very well.

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Overdramatic Haiku

Brain cells they perish,
My soul is already dead,
Counting down the time.

(Can you tell I am bored?)
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