You can tell a lot about a person by the way they ride the elevator. In my time at this job ,I have probably accumulated several hours of elevator-ride time. I work on the 18th Floor of my building so taking the stairs is not really an option for the chubby out of shape girl. Also, you can’t actually access the stairs going up and they don’t like you to come out of them at the bottom (it might actually set of alarms I am not sure). They like to check your pass if you want to go in for security purposes. Also, I think it just makes their jobs a bit more fun to see all the really bad pictures all day.
Back to the elevators!
There are 5 main types of people as I have found through my very advanced psychological experiment through my vast and varied sample groups... Obviously this is legit people.
Type 1: The Button Presser
This is the person who presses the button eight times even when its already lit up. They proceed to press the floor they are going to and immediately tap on the door close button in hopes that it will actually close. (In my building especially that button is a cruel joke placed by engineers looking to ruin these peoples days). Then, when the elevator stops at any number of the floors (in all honesty at this building it usually stops at every floor) they sigh dramatically and as soon as the person is on/off they slam the door close button repeatedly until it finally closes.
General characteristics: Ego-centric, impatient, usually rude, characteristic dramatic sigh at all stops
Exceptions: Sometimes when you’re running late and the elevator won’t come, you have to push the button repeatedly just to give you brain something to focus on other than your lateness.
Are you this person? Answer the following questions:
1. Do you believe that pressing the door close button actually works?
2. Do you tap your foot as you ride?
3. Do you sigh dramatically because the elevator dare stop and interrupt your schedule?
4. Do you believe the elevators are scheming against you to try to get you fired?
If you answered Yes to any or all of these questions, you are a Type 1 – button presser. Please proceed to your nearest psychiatrist and obtain some mild sedatives before your colleagues attack you – or worse, the elevators.
Type 2: Captain Molasses
This is the person who is standing waiting for the elevator patiently, usually off in their own space-cadet world. They hear the ding of the elevator notifying its arrival but don’t really look to see which elevator it is (We have 6 elevators in our building). They listen and notice the doors are open but usually at this point someone they know is walking by and they proceed to chat as they slowly mosey to the elevator. The poor chump already in the elevator stands holding the door out of politeness until the person reaches the door, holds it themselves, and continues to chat for another moment causing the person inside to turn purple in rage (especially if they are Type 1). Once they are in the elevator they slowly push the button and wait patiently. When they arrive at their floor they ooze out of the elevator as if their back end was stuck in a vacuum and are always sure to cover the entire space of the door blocking that poor elevator-person behind until they feel it necessary to dislodge and mosey out.
General characteristics: Lazy, slow, and social
Exceptions: Someone who is injured and cannot physically move faster gets a free pass.
Are you this person? Answer the following questions:
1. Do you walk slower than most people?
2. Do you stand in the door way of the elevator long enough for it to start closing?
3. Do your fellow elevator riders look at you in disgust?
4. Do you find yourself looking to waste time by chatting with people you don’t really like?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then you need to pick up the pace and stop getting in peoples way because you are a Type 2 – Captain Molasses. If you want to move slow, please just stay out of the way so the others don’t go crazy?
Type 3: The Creeper
This is the person who no matter how empty the elevator is, always stands directly behind/beside you, close enough you can feel their breath. Fairly self explanatory, but a million times more traumatizing then any other elevator experience short of it getting stuck for many hours. The worst situation possible would be being stuck in an elevator with this person... that would be terrible.
General characteristics: Lack of basic social skills, thinks they are being friendly, creepy as all crap.
Exceptions: There are no exceptions for this, step the F*&? Back. Now. Thank you.
Are you this person? Answer the following questions:
1. Do you like to stand close to people?
2. Do you often stand so close you can smell the person’s shampoo?
3. Are you able to comment on a person’s scalp condition that you are not intimately involved with?
4. Do you breath in a fashion resembling Darth Vader?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then back the F!@# up you Type 3 – The Creeper. People don’t like you as much as you think they do, they are simply just afraid you will axe murder them if they dare say anything to you. Take it from me; people will be nicer to you if you stop breathing on them. Seriously. I promise.
Type 4: Gobblers
These are the people that, whether or not you know them, blabber on to you for the entire duration of your decent/assent about things you couldn’t care less about. They tell you about their ex-mother-in-laws botched face lift, their “Uncle” Cathy’s sex change, anything to keep the awkward silence from reminding them of their own insecurities.
General characteristics: insecure, social, probably from a small town, gossip, good intentions but at 7 am no one cares so please stop.
Exceptions: You can chat if you know the person... or if they give you the general, “How’s she going” nod. But in the city that is rare. So please just keep to the awkward social protocol of entering the elevator and shutting up.
Are you this person? Answer the following questions:
1. Do you find that people around you are no longer answering your question switch any more then the common “mmhmm’s” or “okay’s”?
2. Do you find people turn away when they see you waiting for the elevator?
3. Do you notice people turning up their IPod’s when you start to talk?
4. Do you find your throat is sore from talking by the end of the day?
If you answered yes to any or all of these then you are a Type 4 – Gobbler. You should probably be quiet for a little bit and try to internalize this and before you go on gobbling to everyone how you are a gobbler or any other stories, think to yourself these two very important things: 1. Does it affect anyone at all? 2. Even if it does, do you think they will care? Chances are the answer is no... so just stay quiet for a bit.
Type 5: Ninjas
These are the people that as soon as the elevator doors open they sneak in and try to get the doors closed before anyone else jumps in. They are courteous if someone else gets in but they are the lucky ones who seem to have the elevators arriving at their simplest whim and they seem to be able to make it more than one floor down before it stops again. They are magic people and are very lucky.
Characteristics: excellent timing, clever, 6th sense of elevator-preparedness
Exceptions: When caught trying to close the door when someone is coming is very awkward once the other person makes it. You lose ninja status if people are making it into your elevators too often and then you are relabelled as a Type 1, unable to reapply for ninja status for at least 6 months.
Are you this person? Answer the following questions:
1. Can you escape your building without your boss knowing?
2. Can you get out of the building and back to your desk with a coffee or snack without anyone even knowing you were gone?
3. Do the elevators actually close the doors when you try to?
4. Are you proficient in elevator martial arts? Yes its a thing, if you don’t know then the answer is no.
If you answered yes to any or all of these then lucky you, you are a Type 5 – Ninja! You are the sneakiest of all the elevator riders and you have the privilege of spending most of your time in the elevator unaccompanied by chatty, neck breathing, button pressing slow pokes. Good on you.
BONUS TYPE: THE CHILD
This is a rare form of person that is not one of the most basic types but comes out mostly when in crowds of people who are all friends / related. Not specifically referring to an actual child, this is the person who feels it necessary to jump on the elevator, push all the buttons in goofy patterns, and in general have no respect for others.
General Characteristics: Immature, usually only occurs in groups, typically loud and laughing, potentially drunk.
Exceptions: Not even actual children should do this, parents should not submit other people to their demon spawn kids. If you kid can't handle the elevator take the stairs. That is mean yes, but if you aren't alone then don't let your kids near the elevator buttons.
(No test necessary, you know who you are...)
So, all that said, these basic profiles of elevator riders can be translated out to the real world by the general characteristics. Next time you want to judge a person’s character, bring them into an elevator in a strange place they don’t know and see what happens. By the way, I drew you another picture. Yes I am so generous, thank you.
You know how I alluded to the fact that I should bring a blanket with me on the bus, that is how little I am home to sleep? Yeah. Instead of napping like I probably should be I read. If I were to chose one thing I could do for the rest of my life, it would be reading. Don't ask me my favourite book, I never know it. It depends on the day; it depends on the mood; it depends on who I'm with at the time. Books are great because you can take yourself anywhere you want to go. People who know me well know for a fact that I will have a library in my house (I'm well stocked already) and it will be magnificent. 
(Pre-zombie-virus)
Yum.
