Inconvenient Super Skillz

This Mustache Wizard is quite the little weirdo isn't he? He fits right in with our Attack Squirrel and Toilet Penguins.

This is a tricky challenge for sure. I am sure normal people often think about becoming a super hero and I am WAY beyond normal so it is literally one of my top recurring thoughts.

Tanya's Top Recurring Thoughts:

1. Where can I get Ice Cream


2. I wish I were a super hero


3. (If I am not wearing Sweatpants) I wish I were in my sweatpants


4. (If I am wearing sweatpants) Man I love sweatpants

So it's a good thought process constantly forming around being super. I have often thought about what powers I would want, how I would use them, and even sometimes how I would have come to develop them. Would I be like Batman/Batgirl/Robin who are all normal people with too much money and athletic ability so they beat up criminals after training for years? Would I be bitten by some radioactive spider? Would I be given a super serum that makes me grow two feet and become super attractive and bad ass while still maintaining my short person attitudes? Would I find out that I was a mutant and had these powers all along but didn't know how to use them? So many options and origin potentials. Mustache Wizard, now that has not been done yet. Maybe... Unless you count Dumbledore who kind of makes Harry into a super hero sort of by being all "FIND THE HOROCRUX HARRY!" and then dying so that Harry HAS to find the horocrux(s? what is the plural of horocrux? J.K Rowling, little help?) because otherwise hes going back on a dead man's last wish and that would be rude. MOVING ON!

Okay so if you are lost, Crystal challenged me to pick between the three faulty super powers that the Mustache Wizard was looking to grant me. Are you following now? As a reminder if you don't want to read the whole thing these are my three options:

1. You can become invisible. It’s not at will and no one is quite sure how it is triggered, no one knows when it ends. You can’t go through walls, people can still hear you when you speak/move/pass gas.

2.  You can hear people’s thoughts. Rules: it can’t be turned on or off at will, they have to be within a 50 meter radius of you and you will hear every thought. Keep in mind that most people don’t think through everything they are doing, aren’t serious about everything they think and their minds are most likely in the gutter more than half the time.

3. You can never die. This one kind of speaks for itself. You have the gift and curse of immortality and you’ll be around when the world burns. Oh and you can still feel pain. Duh, forgot to mention that.

So Crystal asked if I would accept his offer or reject it and why, so let us analyze the possibilities shall we before we make any crazy decisions.

1. Unstable Invisibility:

• Well not being able to control it really limits it ability to be effective. If I could control it I could I suppose use it to spy but that only does me good if I then have the capability to do something with the information I have obtained. So say I become a super hero and find myself invisible for a good stretch, I wander into the super villains lair to spy and find out their devious plan. Situation A, I find out the plan and then what? notify the authorities? Perfect, they will call me the Super Snitch, or Situation B, I am sitting quietly waiting for the plan when my spotty invisibility gives out and there I am in the middle of a room of goons about to be either killed or much more likely trapped in an easily escape-able scenario which I will get out of because a super villain is nothing without a hero. (See the movie "Megamind" for proof. PS. yes I count movies as valid proof.)

2. Mind Reader:

• Okay so this reminds me of the movie "What Women Want" (again, yes my whole life revolves around movie plots apparently and all interactions are then filtered through and responded to in a less dramatic version) So if you don't know the movie it's basically that Mel Gibson gets electrocuted and then can hear all the women's thoughts. He is a misogynist but eventually turns himself around into a nicer fellow. But he then loses his powers and blah blah blah boring. Anyhow, the thing is, he hears the talking all the time. Now it might be fine if you are in the room with one person because that's only one thing to hear on top of them talking, but imagine you are sitting on the bus and everyone is thinking different things in different languages? I can't even keep the voices in my head straight let alone the voices of hundreds of others. Also, how would this help me stop a super villain? I guess if I could situate myself again far to close to them I could know their plans and just inconvenience them at every turn, but there are only so many times I can follow them around the world. They would eventually catch on and just get a restraining order so that I can't get close enough to hear their thoughts and then BAM I useless.

3. Forever Alive:

• So what this doesn't specify which I am glad I thought of now was no where does the Mustache Wizard specify that you would never get old. He just said never die. So would you keep deteriorating until you were a gelatinous ooze of old puddling around in a blob until the end of time comes, a giant comet blows up the earth and then I am stuck floating the universe as a puddle of skin? That's an unpleasant visual. Although this one does prove the most useful against bad guys, as if you never die then you have lots of time to train in various death-skills (martial arts, shooting, etc.) also, maybe in the future they will have readily available jet packs so I could fly around and stuff. Also gives me lots of time to get money and stuff. Even if I can't just make it I could perhaps steal it, if I served a bunch of years in prison I would just still be alive so I could go find it when I got out. Although again, gelatinous skin blob is not very conducive to fighting crime.

[caption id="attachment_565" align="aligncenter" width="945"] When you become a giant skin blob it becomes harder to find clothes that fit.[/caption]

So all choices equally considered, I think I would have to say no to the Mustache Wizard and just remain a regular person. Also, as I was taken to an island with Crystal and Chris Pine I don't need any powers. I got all I will ever need. (Side note: I took like 20 minutes drawing that picture. I should probably reevaluate my priorities but it for sure isn't going to happen.)

CHALLENGE #5:

Now that you have started a discussion of super heroes, I would like to continue that.

Your challenge is to pick a super hero whom you would marry. Now, this isn't all that simple. You will have to take each super hero from the list below and check them through the criteria provided.

Here is your list of potential suitors:

• Batman


• Superman


• Captain America


• Thor


• Iron Man

Now you take each of those lovely fellas and study them for the following criteria:

1. Personality


2. Background/Baggage (ex girlfriends, dead parents, PTSD, in wrong millennium, etc.)


3. Career/Day Job (outside of vigilante duties)


4. Super Power - how would that effect home life


5. Villains you would have to deal with - how would that affect you


6. Family/Friends/Team Mates - would you want them coming over to your house


7. Home - where would you live? Would you ask them to relocate?


8. Attractiveness - Are you picturing them as the actor in the movie/which actor if more than one actor has played them/if you don't like the current actor cast your own choice.

And then pick a husband. Good luck and enjoy! DFTBA!

Challenge #4 - Phenomenal cosmic power!

... Itty bitty living space.



I loved your story. I am sitting here, hot chocolate in hand (or as the 'cool' kids like to call it, hotcho), all curled up and reading your pirate story. I am semi confused how I got to a pirate ship in the first place, let alone why I was pushed in to the closet, but whatever. The wizard and I come out of the closet together because his cape was in the way. And it was too billowy for a cramped environment. Fabulous. But what of the pirates? If they can make terrible puns about their own career choices, they are my kind of people. I want to save the pirates too! They don't deserve to  live out a Hitchcock movie! Common!

[Interlude] As readers probably know by now, I research dumb things a lot. For instance, I have seen the movie Lifeboat, mentioned above, and forgot the title. So I Googled "men stuck in life boat" and this came up from Slate magazine online: Trapped in an Underwater Air Bubble for Three Days. The stuff of actual nightmares, guys. He lived 60 hours underwater without food, drinking water or light on the ocean floor. The fuck. It's a really interesting article and you should all check it out. [End interlude]

May I add that whimsical mustache wizard seems a little selfish. I think if he Dorothy'd hard enough, he could get me home. He just wants to keep me on his stupid island filled with puppies and books. So harsh. This is a tricky situation that I am in and I dislike it. Party time island with five people COULD be fun, or it could be a massive headache. Very tough choices to make.

* Five people I'm dooming to the island with me:

1. Tanya. I mean this one is pretty obvious. Best friend, amusing storyteller, a deadpan wittiness that melds with my own sense of humor really well AND she understands my need to close off from people sometimes which I think I'd appreciate.


2. Sandy. She has a fondness for pirates, books and puppies that is rarely seen in another human. She is also good at Scrabble, amongst other things.


3. A (also known as Kiwi). He also likes Scrabble and sheep. So if there are sheep, board games and history related doo-dads then he's pretty much set for life. Also I miss spending time with him (super creepy if he reads this weeeo)


4. K. She's a beach bum and is really laid back, so island life would suit her. (Sorry J, you'd hate me if I forced you on an island. We'll get you a boat to visit us for beach days)


5. Robin Williams. I totally know him - I saw him on the street in Vancouver one time while my family was on vacation. He was wearing red Chucks. My dad yelled at him from across the street and I died from embarrassment. We're practically related. He can do Ms. Doubtfire bits and his stand up acts.

(Do you know how hard this is? I seriously do not have friends, my dear. I don't know why you needed me to bring FIVE whole people to the island with me.)

 

* Five celebrities that would have to sit with all of us nerds, the whimsical mustache wizard, and Robin Williams:

1. Henry Cavill. Do I need a god damned reason?


2. Bill F*cking Murray. He was my favourite original SNL Cast member and his sarcasm would bring a level of je-ne-sais-quoi to the table. I have a feeling that our good friend, whimsical mustache wizard, is not easily put off. I bet you Mr. Murray could easily quiet our jar-loving conjurer.


3. Emma Stone. She's awesome and I think we'd all be friends. She can bring Andrew Garfield too.


4. Nathan Fillion. He has a story for literally any subject. You want to talk about tariffs in the fish trade? Nathan Fillion has got a story for that. Awkward sex scenes? Oh boy, does he have a good one for you. Hilarious shaving mishaps? Let's not bring that up...


5. Chris Pine. Again, I mean I really don't need a reason for bringing him at all. He's here to make sarcastic remarks (a common theme I guess) and eat apples in noisy fashions.

 

 

* 5 TV Series

1. Doctor who. Sorry, Nathan. Firefly was too damned short. Dr. Who will last forever on this island.


2. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. But I'd like to take a minute - just sit right there - and I'll tell you about how I became the prince of Bel-Air.


3. Shameless (US). I honestly just want more people to watch this show. It's hilarious and charming and terribly sad all at the same time. How does it do it? Chicago slums, bitches.


4. Batman the Animated Series. We gotta have something to watch in the mornings.


5. Game of Thrones. Who doesn't like a good death with their television programing?

(So many shows I wish were longer so that I could justify bringing them with me. Honorable mentions go to: New Girl, Misfits, How I met your mother, Pushing Daisies, Rome, Gilmore Girls, Sarah Conner Chronicles, The Walking Dead, etc. etc. etc. Ironically, I did not chose Gilligan's Island, LOST or any other stranded show.)

* 5 Books

1. Good Omens - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman


2. Monuments Men - Robert Edsel & Bret Witter


3. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee


4. The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss


5. Bulfinch's Mythology - Thomas Bulfinch (Deluxe Edition)

(Also there was a library mentioned, so I think I'm well stocked for books.)

* 5 CDs

1. The Killers - Hot Fuss


2. Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams


3. Elvis Presley - The 50 Greatest Hits


4. The White Stripes - Elephant


5. Billie Holiday - Songs for Distingue  Lovers

(CDs are hard because no one likes the whole disk. No one. I tried to pick CDs that I can leave on and listen to the whole way through, but that might just mean that they would just be background noise like the music at Retailland. Added bonus though: they're all nostalgic for me and they'd probably make me feel less isolated if I listened to them. Honorable mentions: Franz Ferdinand, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Arctic Monkeys, Otis Redding, Spice Girls, BSB, Destiny's Child, Outcast, and Led Zepplin, to name a few)

* 5 types of food

1. Ice cream


2. Fruit salad


3. Pasta


4. BBQ Chicken


5. My mom's spinach strawberry salad. Because veggies.

(Honorable mentions: Waffles.)

* 5 types of drinks

1. Fresh water


2. Chocolate Milk


3. Gin and Tonic


4. Wheat Beer


5. Coffee

 

There you go, darling! All answered in a timely fashion. Anyone can feel free to post their own answers, or rebut my own. These were surprisingly tough choices, as I had mentioned many times. I feel like if I was that limited, I'd get very sad. I'm a girl who likes variety. Obviously not with the people that I hang out with, but with the things that I do and the foods I eat. If I had to listen to those five cds for the rest of my life, I'd probably break them by month 2. If I had to limit myself to those tv shows, knowing there were other good choices, I'd throw the disks into the water. Then Henry Cavill would be upset with me because he was totally mid-season two of Fresh Prince, and Will was dancing and it's all a terrible terrible end.

My biggest fear? I'd go all Agatha Christie and cut someone just to have something to do. Seriously. You can be the Inspector and it will be a joyous time had by all; except the person who is murdered (I'm looking at you, wizard).

 

Your challenge is to ponder the following situation and give a solid answer: Out of flagrant disregard for the general public's well being, our very own whimsical mustache wizard deems himself the granter of all wishes. Sometimes, he messes certain wishes up. Somewhere in the past or present, you have wished to be a superhero. Having Batgirl's sense of self and Wonder Woman's Amazonian kick-ass-ness wouldn't be so bad, would it? Mustache wizard totally gets you, friend. He's all: "Man... Tanya's already kick ass. Super powers would make her even more amazing then before. I'm going to offer her a deal." In meeting with you he points out his extreme lack of actual helpfulness or ability and lays out his plan to make you the next comic book queen. He's going to give you one of three options:

1. You can become invisible. It's not at will and no one is quite sure how it is triggered, no one knows when it ends. You can't go through walls, people can still hear you when you speak/move/pass gas.

2.  You can hear people's thoughts. Rules: it can't be turned on or off at will, they have to be within a 50 meter radius of you and you will hear every thought. Keep in mind that most people don't think through everything they are doing, aren't serious about everything they think and their minds are most likely in the gutter more than half the time.

3. You can never die. This one kind of speaks for itself. You have the gift and curse of immortality and you'll be around when the world burns. Oh and you can still feel pain. Duh, forgot to mention that.

Do you take his offer? Which one power would you chose and which ones would you leave? And the all important elementary school application-question: Why?

<3 DFTBA

(Genie gif image from disneydreams on Tumblr)