Challenge #4 - Phenomenal cosmic power!

... Itty bitty living space.



I loved your story. I am sitting here, hot chocolate in hand (or as the 'cool' kids like to call it, hotcho), all curled up and reading your pirate story. I am semi confused how I got to a pirate ship in the first place, let alone why I was pushed in to the closet, but whatever. The wizard and I come out of the closet together because his cape was in the way. And it was too billowy for a cramped environment. Fabulous. But what of the pirates? If they can make terrible puns about their own career choices, they are my kind of people. I want to save the pirates too! They don't deserve to  live out a Hitchcock movie! Common!

[Interlude] As readers probably know by now, I research dumb things a lot. For instance, I have seen the movie Lifeboat, mentioned above, and forgot the title. So I Googled "men stuck in life boat" and this came up from Slate magazine online: Trapped in an Underwater Air Bubble for Three Days. The stuff of actual nightmares, guys. He lived 60 hours underwater without food, drinking water or light on the ocean floor. The fuck. It's a really interesting article and you should all check it out. [End interlude]

May I add that whimsical mustache wizard seems a little selfish. I think if he Dorothy'd hard enough, he could get me home. He just wants to keep me on his stupid island filled with puppies and books. So harsh. This is a tricky situation that I am in and I dislike it. Party time island with five people COULD be fun, or it could be a massive headache. Very tough choices to make.

* Five people I'm dooming to the island with me:

1. Tanya. I mean this one is pretty obvious. Best friend, amusing storyteller, a deadpan wittiness that melds with my own sense of humor really well AND she understands my need to close off from people sometimes which I think I'd appreciate.


2. Sandy. She has a fondness for pirates, books and puppies that is rarely seen in another human. She is also good at Scrabble, amongst other things.


3. A (also known as Kiwi). He also likes Scrabble and sheep. So if there are sheep, board games and history related doo-dads then he's pretty much set for life. Also I miss spending time with him (super creepy if he reads this weeeo)


4. K. She's a beach bum and is really laid back, so island life would suit her. (Sorry J, you'd hate me if I forced you on an island. We'll get you a boat to visit us for beach days)


5. Robin Williams. I totally know him - I saw him on the street in Vancouver one time while my family was on vacation. He was wearing red Chucks. My dad yelled at him from across the street and I died from embarrassment. We're practically related. He can do Ms. Doubtfire bits and his stand up acts.

(Do you know how hard this is? I seriously do not have friends, my dear. I don't know why you needed me to bring FIVE whole people to the island with me.)

 

* Five celebrities that would have to sit with all of us nerds, the whimsical mustache wizard, and Robin Williams:

1. Henry Cavill. Do I need a god damned reason?


2. Bill F*cking Murray. He was my favourite original SNL Cast member and his sarcasm would bring a level of je-ne-sais-quoi to the table. I have a feeling that our good friend, whimsical mustache wizard, is not easily put off. I bet you Mr. Murray could easily quiet our jar-loving conjurer.


3. Emma Stone. She's awesome and I think we'd all be friends. She can bring Andrew Garfield too.


4. Nathan Fillion. He has a story for literally any subject. You want to talk about tariffs in the fish trade? Nathan Fillion has got a story for that. Awkward sex scenes? Oh boy, does he have a good one for you. Hilarious shaving mishaps? Let's not bring that up...


5. Chris Pine. Again, I mean I really don't need a reason for bringing him at all. He's here to make sarcastic remarks (a common theme I guess) and eat apples in noisy fashions.

 

 

* 5 TV Series

1. Doctor who. Sorry, Nathan. Firefly was too damned short. Dr. Who will last forever on this island.


2. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. But I'd like to take a minute - just sit right there - and I'll tell you about how I became the prince of Bel-Air.


3. Shameless (US). I honestly just want more people to watch this show. It's hilarious and charming and terribly sad all at the same time. How does it do it? Chicago slums, bitches.


4. Batman the Animated Series. We gotta have something to watch in the mornings.


5. Game of Thrones. Who doesn't like a good death with their television programing?

(So many shows I wish were longer so that I could justify bringing them with me. Honorable mentions go to: New Girl, Misfits, How I met your mother, Pushing Daisies, Rome, Gilmore Girls, Sarah Conner Chronicles, The Walking Dead, etc. etc. etc. Ironically, I did not chose Gilligan's Island, LOST or any other stranded show.)

* 5 Books

1. Good Omens - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman


2. Monuments Men - Robert Edsel & Bret Witter


3. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee


4. The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss


5. Bulfinch's Mythology - Thomas Bulfinch (Deluxe Edition)

(Also there was a library mentioned, so I think I'm well stocked for books.)

* 5 CDs

1. The Killers - Hot Fuss


2. Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams


3. Elvis Presley - The 50 Greatest Hits


4. The White Stripes - Elephant


5. Billie Holiday - Songs for Distingue  Lovers

(CDs are hard because no one likes the whole disk. No one. I tried to pick CDs that I can leave on and listen to the whole way through, but that might just mean that they would just be background noise like the music at Retailland. Added bonus though: they're all nostalgic for me and they'd probably make me feel less isolated if I listened to them. Honorable mentions: Franz Ferdinand, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Arctic Monkeys, Otis Redding, Spice Girls, BSB, Destiny's Child, Outcast, and Led Zepplin, to name a few)

* 5 types of food

1. Ice cream


2. Fruit salad


3. Pasta


4. BBQ Chicken


5. My mom's spinach strawberry salad. Because veggies.

(Honorable mentions: Waffles.)

* 5 types of drinks

1. Fresh water


2. Chocolate Milk


3. Gin and Tonic


4. Wheat Beer


5. Coffee

 

There you go, darling! All answered in a timely fashion. Anyone can feel free to post their own answers, or rebut my own. These were surprisingly tough choices, as I had mentioned many times. I feel like if I was that limited, I'd get very sad. I'm a girl who likes variety. Obviously not with the people that I hang out with, but with the things that I do and the foods I eat. If I had to listen to those five cds for the rest of my life, I'd probably break them by month 2. If I had to limit myself to those tv shows, knowing there were other good choices, I'd throw the disks into the water. Then Henry Cavill would be upset with me because he was totally mid-season two of Fresh Prince, and Will was dancing and it's all a terrible terrible end.

My biggest fear? I'd go all Agatha Christie and cut someone just to have something to do. Seriously. You can be the Inspector and it will be a joyous time had by all; except the person who is murdered (I'm looking at you, wizard).

 

Your challenge is to ponder the following situation and give a solid answer: Out of flagrant disregard for the general public's well being, our very own whimsical mustache wizard deems himself the granter of all wishes. Sometimes, he messes certain wishes up. Somewhere in the past or present, you have wished to be a superhero. Having Batgirl's sense of self and Wonder Woman's Amazonian kick-ass-ness wouldn't be so bad, would it? Mustache wizard totally gets you, friend. He's all: "Man... Tanya's already kick ass. Super powers would make her even more amazing then before. I'm going to offer her a deal." In meeting with you he points out his extreme lack of actual helpfulness or ability and lays out his plan to make you the next comic book queen. He's going to give you one of three options:

1. You can become invisible. It's not at will and no one is quite sure how it is triggered, no one knows when it ends. You can't go through walls, people can still hear you when you speak/move/pass gas.

2.  You can hear people's thoughts. Rules: it can't be turned on or off at will, they have to be within a 50 meter radius of you and you will hear every thought. Keep in mind that most people don't think through everything they are doing, aren't serious about everything they think and their minds are most likely in the gutter more than half the time.

3. You can never die. This one kind of speaks for itself. You have the gift and curse of immortality and you'll be around when the world burns. Oh and you can still feel pain. Duh, forgot to mention that.

Do you take his offer? Which one power would you chose and which ones would you leave? And the all important elementary school application-question: Why?

<3 DFTBA

(Genie gif image from disneydreams on Tumblr)

Friday: Short Story Day!

I don’ t know when I started saying ‘ya’ll’.

As in ‘ya’ll come back now, ya here?’

It kind of makes me feel more country than I actually am. For I, like many faux country girls, grew up in a very nice house that was more ‘suburban’ than ‘farmer’s field’. Despite living across from some very nice people with a petting zoo and a small herd of cattle, I never had to wake up at 5 am for chores, never got stepped on by a cow, never fell in poop. Well, I mean I probably did fall in poop in some point in my life, but I most likely blocked it out of my memory. And it was probably only dog poop. Not ACTUAL farm poop, guys. There’s a difference. Trust me.

Now I’m getting very specific about poop I may or may not have fallen in.

Back to the point, ya’ll. (If you don’t remember, this post was supposed to be about ‘ya’ll’ and not poop at all. God, keep up. I’m concerned for your mental well being, I set the stage like a paragraph ago.)

Anyways, I get all nostalgic for driving past corn fields daily, having more than a quarter acre yard and actually seeing stars when I look up at night, but I really don’t think I was ever country enough for the country. Knowing all the words to most Shania Twain songs does not a country girl make. Jokingly, my friends and I started saying ‘ya’ll’ because we were too ‘valley’ (read: Ottawa valley is a very large and sometimes vague area of country side where trashy girls come from. Like my best friend Kristen. Trashy as they come. Just kidding, Kristen). None of us are real country girls at all, but when we compared ourselves to the city girls we worked with, we didn’t fit into their lives either. It’s how I like to think we became friends. None of us saw the need to wear makeup daily, we didn’t own every Apple product ever made and we found brunch to be an extremely novel and compelling concept. Not to pigeon hole city girls- or country girls for that matter – but at that time we just didn’t feel as fashionable or in the know as these 16 year old girls. We bonded that way; we talked about our field parties, seeing lawn tractors being driven to work, and being stuck at the school for lunch until you were old enough to drive a car. Our memories kind of all meshed together – we shopped at Giant Tiger and getting a Tim Hortons that was a walk-able distance from high school was a big deal. We spoke like country girls and pronounced words wrong. We were hicks who weren’t even farmers. That’s when we started saying ‘ya’ll.’

They stopped when it got old and I just didn’t. I like how it sounded and I liked how much people were taken aback by a simple conjunction.

“Did you just say ya’ll?”

“Yep. You all – ya’ll”

“You know that just shortening it to ‘you’ works just as well? And is less of a grammatical shitfest?”

“Mmmhmm.”

(And that’s when they would turn skeptically away and retrospectively regret becoming friends with me.)

Also I think it’s hard for me to change sometimes. My friends are now the penultimate city girls: one is a hairstylist, who rocks everything she wears and has tried every health and nature related product on the market. She's like my inspiration to keep going on. The other is super fashionable, outgoing and a total closet nerd. Sometimes when I look at her, I realize what an introvert I really am. I guess I’ve changed too. I’m not the same girl who went to a country high school and played the flute in band. I’m definitely not the depressed girl who started at her first retail job and barely left her house. I’m like some kind of weird monster. I like keeping inside jokes and I like being country. I also like pretending that I can dress myself well and speak with profound intelligence. It is not a regular occurrence, but it happens sometimes, ok?  Country and city combined was my point. I’m 23 years old and still trying to find myself, but at least I know that I never want to let go of some parts of the girl who lived across from the petting zoo. The good parts. The parts that say ‘ya’ll’ and get excited about Tim Hortons.