Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Am I Cool Enough for a Moustache?

Everyone! My long-awaited book release is upon us.

Normal Books is proud to present: Am I Cool Enough for a Moustache? The quiz to determine whether you are worthy of sporting that ever elusive moustache.

As you can see the tab up top is in place with a bit more information including the link to where you can purchase this glorious and informative book. The site is safe and I have used it several times and am always pleased with the quality.

So please go read the blurb on the other page ( and check out the book!

More books coming soon.

Or Maybe Not.

Please find below my horoscope from the free paper today:
A change in your work routine coming your way. You'll get to take on more responsibility. Or maybe not. Appreciate your mate's uniqueness. Don't ask for any favors now.

Really? Or maybe not. WTF is that shit?

You give me these promises of new responsibilities and a more exciting job just to be like, or your life will continue on the same forever you idiot.

Now I don't believe in horoscopes. Especially those from the free paper. I mean, unless they say something awesome like "Hey Tanya, you think you have been doing a crappy job at life so look three pages further for a free $100000 cheque." That almost never happens though, and if it did, someone had already taken the cheque. Greedy assholes.

Who writes these things though? I don't even understand. It's just a collection of two-three fortune cookie sentences that make absolutely no sense. Or maybe not.

You can add that on to any sentence and then instantly you are no longer responsible if something doesn't go according to plan. I guess this only works with horoscopes because in the rest of the world this wouldn't fly.


Doctor: "Here is your baby all cleaned up out of the womb! It's a boy! Or maybe not."

Mechanic: "Here are your keys! I changed the oil, rotated the tires and replaced the break lines. Or maybe not."

Babysitter: "Your kid is perfectly safe with me! Or maybe not."

Accountant: "I paid the bills. Or maybe not."

I think the only people who can get away with it are the creative people. Like me... I could say "This blog post is finished..... OR MAYBE NOT!" and then go on for another three hours about useless crap which I know you will all love so much because you like me... or maybe not...

Today is so filled with confusion now. All day every time someone says something I am going to be thinking... or maybe not. I cannot wait to go home and hide from the world where I get to appreciate "the uniqueness of my mate". I am pretty sure that's astrologist for: He will do something annoying or weird and I will have to pretend it normal.

I will make a separate post shortly about the exciting news I have for you all! Or maybe not....(But I probably will)



Friday, November 23, 2012

Scratch Card Logic

So, today is not going very well for me so far. I assume this means that something really awesome is destined to happen today. Or that I will die. But let us all hope for the first option okay?

So here is my totally logical reasoning that may or may not highlight my slight gambling addiction.

Do you know when you buy one of those scratch cards? Like the Bingo or the Crossword or the no-longer-available-but-was-the-best-because-i-always-won Tetris? Well, when you are playing those and you are scratching off the letters/numbers/pieces etc, and you are winning right up from the start and you're getting all kinds of squares and words lining up perfectly and you are thinking "Oh my god, I am totally going to win the $75,000!" and then they only give the worst letters/numbers by the last few when you are one space away from winning? That's part of the logic.

You see, when ever I have had a scratch ticket, I am going to go with Crossword for now because its easiest to explain and I have no words at all forming. I have like three tiles scratched off and they are in no way making words, then all the sudden you reveal the elusive E or A and then all goes according to plan and all the sudden you have like 5 words and 100$. This has actually happened to me. I literally won $100 without knowing it. I thought I had maybe won $3 but nope, the man at that gas station put the ticket through the blue machine and out popped the happiest song we all know and love and across that glorious screen read: "WINNER! $100!" and then I thought it was some kind of mistake so I ran away like a criminal.

Moral of the story, When things seem to be going awful, they are just trying to trick you so that you will be so surprised when you all the sudden get something awesome. When things are going to well, the world will make you trip over a curb and make you fall on your ass in the middle of a busy downtown street in front of a bus and a taxi and several other people walking to work at 7AM. This is a metaphor obviously, totally didn't happen to me today. Just like how I most definitely did not kick my entire foot on the metal leg of my desk. Nope, just a normal day for me.

Now, please excuse me while I go mend what ever shattered remnants I can find of my pride.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012


I made a typo on my Facebook. Its only 52540 not 53. whoops. I am not changing it because that will make me sad.

Moral of the story: I am done my Nano Novel. Problem with this is that its early. That sounds like it could be a good thing but I am a bit competitive, but only against myself and last year me kicked this year me's ass.

Last year me made it to 50k on day 14, this year it took me until the 18th. also last year me didn't stop there, but continued on until the novel was 93k words. There is not 93k for this years book so that's not really the end of the world. The main thing that I am sad about is that my average words per day chart is going to become merely average. But I am done, so there's nothing more to add. 

Good thing about this: I have extra time for the various other crafts/editing I had planned. Because I am an idiot apparently and think that christmas time isn't busy enough without having 200 different projects on the go. Hopefully people like home-made things because that's what several of you are getting! Well some.. I found some cool pre-made things that you will receive.

However, the biggest and most awesome joy about being done Nano: I can focus more on CHRISTMAS!

If you couldn't tell, I am a big ol'Christmas enthusiast. not because I am religious, because I really am not, but I think it is because I like a good game. The most challenging game ever is: What do you get ____? In which you have to figure out what you are going to buy all the important people in your life that they don't already have, someone else hasn't bought them, and actually want.

It is nearly impossible for so many people, but the moment you find the right gift its a moment of pure happiness, followed by several weeks/days (depending on when you get it) of panicking they wont like it.

See, where a lot of people whine about the commercialization of Christmas, I thrive on it. If there is one thing that I am sometimes sort-of good at, it's getting good gifts. I am not good at expressing feelings or understanding dramatic situations, but if you are in the market for a Monty Python gag gift, or an Xmen homemade sweater, I am your gal.

The best thing about finding the perfect gift is that it doesn't matter AT ALL how much it costs. The best gifts come from inside jokes. Take the book me and Crystal wrote for Sandy two years ago. It was a short and weird book that literally came to be because I made a weird noise while holding a horse statue. We left the store without it and then that night it all clicked. I needed to write a story about that ridiculous horse, name him Fierce and then have him encounter all kinds of weird situations. I then went, bought the horse, and informed Crystal that she was helping me whether or not she wanted to (Obviously she did because who doesn't want to write a story about a Fierce horse?) and then in several 2am writing sessions, Fierce was born. The weirdest book you will NEVER read (unless you are one of the 4 cousins, then you better memorize it because it's just going to be a part of our lives forever).

(This post is weirdly long but I owe you 19 days worth so I am going to keep typing.)

So Crystal and I wrapped up the book underneath the giant horse statue, and stared at Sandy probably with the most creepy and excited faces ever, and she pretended o think the horse was genuinely awesome. As if the thing her cousin and sister were so excited about was an angry horse. She probably does actually like it because it's a horse and its Sandy, but that was just the side gift. As she was holding it and all "Ooo this is nice-ing" we were like... Not done sandy, open the rest. Then I think I heard a sigh of relief and she found the smaller package in the box. (Side note, wrapping that horse was damn near impossible. To find a box big enough involved much effort)

She opened the little paper back and it took her a minute of looking between the book and the Giant horse (as I had taken a picture and made it look all fancy for the cover) and then finally reading the "by Tanya and Crystal" line she simply said "You wrote me a book?" and then laugh/cried. And then I almost cried. But that would be dangerous because my circuit board would need to get replaced and the Christmas rates are ridiculous.

There is nothing like making someone cry... of joy. Not sadness that's just mean. But seeing someone so happy their eyes start leaking is just a super great feeling. I am glad Sandy has the ever-important gene from our family in which laughter at too high of intensity results in tears almost immediately.

So, this is a long-ass post that pretty much sums up to: I like to make people cry. That can't be it? I like Christmas? Yes.. that's probably less offensive (sort of)

Welcome back Tanya... you are stranger then ever.

My captions aren't working for this picture so: This is the actual cover to the book you will never read. It is a picture of the very big and extremely menacing statue of Fierce.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


I promise I will write a new post about something interesting soon. I am stuck in NanoLand and have 36364 words right now and had wanted to finish by the 14th. hats super not going to happen but whatever.

I will draw your some pictures and tell you stupid stories later! However seeing as how I think all my readers talk to me very often its not the end of the world.

Thanks! Talk to you soon!

Monday, November 5, 2012


I know I haven't updated but I have been busy okay? I am busy novelling away and so far so good. I am up to over 16000 words (I can't remember the number right now) but my brain is already going a little bonkers.

I keep getting really mad when I don't beat my last years numbers. Also, I had a goal to write 10, 000 words on Saturday and failed because I was really busy watching Donald Glover's stand up on YouTube. Productive.

Last year Nano was my way to procrastinate from school work, this year I have no school work to procrastinate from. I did get to around 7500 words on Saturday, most of which were after 10 pm when I realized the time.

Anyways, I just wanted to give you a quick update on my guilty conscience. He is less annoying if I picture him like Christian Bale's batman. At least then when he yells at me I can giggle when he turns his back.

Shopping is Best When Done in the Comfort of Your Sweatpants!