Chocolate Hangover

I went to visit my Grammie and Grampie (aka The Best grandparents ever) and my Grampie asked me why I wasn't updating as often. The simple answer: Nothing has been happening to me that is remotely entertaining.

I mean, there is always Winston who is just funny always, but I am pretty sure its one of those "you had to be there" things or the "my baby is so awesome" things where no one else cares that your thing can do slightly different things from theirs.

Anyways, all in all, nothing has really been happening.

I have been trying to be good diet-wise which never lasts long. Usually until the next holiday which in this case was easter. Now I am on a major Chocolate craving binge that I may or may not have satisfied by eating an entire solid bunny in one sitting. Whoops.

It's just... this is how it goes.

Logic Brain: "Don't eat anymore chocolate Tanya, you are A: fat enough and B:will just get fatter"

Hungry Tummy: "Or, you could eat one more Giant Kinder Egg and then you can go back to eating protein bars and counting calories."

Self: "Well that sounds good right brain?"

Brain: "No. Its lying. It always lies. It says just one more, but remember the freezer cake incident? And by incident I mean month."

Self: *shifty eyes* "I don't know what you are referring to but it doesn't sound like me.

Brain: "Or what about the KD binge that lasted several months, or the Ice cream addiction of any year after you began to eat food."

Tummy: "Don't listen to him, he's just bullying you. You are lovely just the way you are. No need to diet. You have a brain, even if its annoying. If it was so smart it could charm people into liking you for your personality!"

Personality: "Hey! Don't drag me into this mess, you know I'm unreliable and mostly unpleasant!"

Self: "Please all of you stop yelling!"

Brain: "Shut up all of you, her sanity is barely hanging on here, we can't all fight otherwise she will lose what she has left"

Sanity: "Pickles are the most majestic of all the fruits."

Brain: "See. It's too late."

 

And that's how I lost my sanity because I was hungry for chocolate. Did that make sense? Grampie, regret asking me to post more? Now you are probably just worried about me...

The only thing that concerns me about all this is that I don't even like pickles. They freak me right out.

PS: People of Fox - do you see what happens when you don't air New Girl on its appropriate day? This happens.

 

Or Maybe Not.

Please find below my horoscope from the free paper today:

A change in your work routine coming your way. You'll get to take on more responsibility. Or maybe not. Appreciate your mate's uniqueness. Don't ask for any favors now.

Really? Or maybe not. WTF is that shit?

You give me these promises of new responsibilities and a more exciting job just to be like, or your life will continue on the same forever you idiot.

Now I don't believe in horoscopes. Especially those from the free paper. I mean, unless they say something awesome like "Hey Tanya, you think you have been doing a crappy job at life so look three pages further for a free $100000 cheque." That almost never happens though, and if it did, someone had already taken the cheque. Greedy assholes.

Who writes these things though? I don't even understand. It's just a collection of two-three fortune cookie sentences that make absolutely no sense. Or maybe not.

You can add that on to any sentence and then instantly you are no longer responsible if something doesn't go according to plan. I guess this only works with horoscopes because in the rest of the world this wouldn't fly.

Examples:

Doctor: "Here is your baby all cleaned up out of the womb! It's a boy! Or maybe not."

Mechanic: "Here are your keys! I changed the oil, rotated the tires and replaced the break lines. Or maybe not."

Babysitter: "Your kid is perfectly safe with me! Or maybe not."

Accountant: "I paid the bills. Or maybe not."

I think the only people who can get away with it are the creative people. Like me... I could say "This blog post is finished..... OR MAYBE NOT!" and then go on for another three hours about useless crap which I know you will all love so much because you like me... or maybe not...

Today is so filled with confusion now. All day every time someone says something I am going to be thinking... or maybe not. I cannot wait to go home and hide from the world where I get to appreciate "the uniqueness of my mate". I am pretty sure that's astrologist for: He will do something annoying or weird and I will have to pretend it normal.

I will make a separate post shortly about the exciting news I have for you all! Or maybe not....(But I probably will)

 

 

Letters to my Day: Volume 2

Alright, so yesterday I took care of the before work portion. Today I guess I need to do the at work portion.

Dear security people,

I try to smile at you and say good morning, but only one of you ever says it back. I guess your job is even more boring then mine, however at least you don't have to figure out what to wear in the morning. That would be nice. I hate picking out clothes at 5am. I always end up looking like a homeless high school kid.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Elevators,

We had a good run so far. I only almost got stuck in you once, and really you were just moving incredibly slow. Please don't try to trap me today. I know sometimes you apparently like to drop for ten-15 stories but I would prefer if you didn't because it is my last day and I don't have any extra pants.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Computer,

I am glad I got a new version of you, however now your boot up time is slightly too fast so my reading the newspaper looks less okay. Thanks for working some of the time anyways. We had our issues, but you would always pull through in the end. Sorry I stuck so many post-its to you, unless you liked them, then you're welcome.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Dragon Lady,

You will never cease to confuse me. You are nice enough as a person but I really think you need to be mildly sedated. Nothing is as important as you make it seem so please just relax. If the emails don't get printed, the world continues to turn. Its a freaking miracle. Also, people are taking bets as to when you will have a melt down. I am telling you this because I care. And because my date is in two weeks and I need you to hit it. Just kidding. No ones taking bets. That would be inappropriate and rude. I am never either of those things. Anyways, good luck I suppose. Sorry if I hurt your feelings with my efficiency.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Leprechaun,

You for sure need a sedative. Or any other form of drugs. Please calm down before you hurt someone. Also, I will recommend you some brands on conditioner, because as a person with crazy hair I understand the challenges but there are few excuses for this. Good luck with that.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear People I will legitimately miss,

There are many people here that were extremely good to me during my time here. You let me wear yellow shoes to a professional building, you let me make a giant super hero and baby animals collage, you let me not have to learn french and most importantly, several of you even pretended to laugh when I made jokes. Thank you so much for being so awesome. You made each day a bit more bearable.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear the Bathroom,

I don't understand you. Why don't you ever seem clean. The people here are grown ups. You need a mechanism that doesn't allowed idiots into you. I am sick of walking into your stalls only to find the toilet seat lined with paper and the toilet filled with urine. There should be a time limit from entering the bathroom to peeing. If your pre-peeing routine is so long that you will forget what your supposed to do after you pee, you shouldn't be allowed in. Work on that bathroom.

Sincerely,
Tanya

Dear everyone else,

Either I didn't talk to you, you didn't talk to me or we didn't even the other existed. Some I knew but thought you were strange, and some of you though I was strange. Let's just call it a truce and say that if you work here, you need to be at least 70% crazy 90% of the time. I might be more like 97% crazy 98.5% of the time so I understand your reservations in talking to me.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear bus home,

Stop being full of teenagers and stop using the half size buses. School is back and I have very little desire to be smushed up against two idiot teens who thing making out on the bus is romantic.

Sincerely,
Tanya


So that's pretty much it for the good byes. I probably missed someone, but luckily for me (and my ability to ever get references again) they don't really know about this blog. *phew*

Letters to my Day: Volume 2

Alright, so yesterday I took care of the before work portion. Today I guess I need to do the at work portion.

Dear security people,

I try to smile at you and say good morning, but only one of you ever says it back. I guess your job is even more boring then mine, however at least you don't have to figure out what to wear in the morning. That would be nice. I hate picking out clothes at 5am. I always end up looking like a homeless high school kid.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Elevators,

We had a good run so far. I only almost got stuck in you once, and really you were just moving incredibly slow. Please don't try to trap me today. I know sometimes you apparently like to drop for ten-15 stories but I would prefer if you didn't because it is my last day and I don't have any extra pants.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Computer,

I am glad I got a new version of you, however now your boot up time is slightly too fast so my reading the newspaper looks less okay. Thanks for working some of the time anyways. We had our issues, but you would always pull through in the end. Sorry I stuck so many post-its to you, unless you liked them, then you're welcome.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Dragon Lady,

You will never cease to confuse me. You are nice enough as a person but I really think you need to be mildly sedated. Nothing is as important as you make it seem so please just relax. If the emails don't get printed, the world continues to turn. Its a freaking miracle. Also, people are taking bets as to when you will have a melt down. I am telling you this because I care. And because my date is in two weeks and I need you to hit it. Just kidding. No ones taking bets. That would be inappropriate and rude. I am never either of those things. Anyways, good luck I suppose. Sorry if I hurt your feelings with my efficiency.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Leprechaun,

You for sure need a sedative. Or any other form of drugs. Please calm down before you hurt someone. Also, I will recommend you some brands on conditioner, because as a person with crazy hair I understand the challenges but there are few excuses for this. Good luck with that.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear People I will legitimately miss,

There are many people here that were extremely good to me during my time here. You let me wear yellow shoes to a professional building, you let me make a giant super hero and baby animals collage, you let me not have to learn french and most importantly, several of you even pretended to laugh when I made jokes. Thank you so much for being so awesome. You made each day a bit more bearable.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear the Bathroom,

I don't understand you. Why don't you ever seem clean. The people here are grown ups. You need a mechanism that doesn't allowed idiots into you. I am sick of walking into your stalls only to find the toilet seat lined with paper and the toilet filled with urine. There should be a time limit from entering the bathroom to peeing. If your pre-peeing routine is so long that you will forget what your supposed to do after you pee, you shouldn't be allowed in. Work on that bathroom.

Sincerely,
Tanya

Dear everyone else,

Either I didn't talk to you, you didn't talk to me or we didn't even the other existed. Some I knew but thought you were strange, and some of you though I was strange. Let's just call it a truce and say that if you work here, you need to be at least 70% crazy 90% of the time. I might be more like 97% crazy 98.5% of the time so I understand your reservations in talking to me.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear bus home,

Stop being full of teenagers and stop using the half size buses. School is back and I have very little desire to be smushed up against two idiot teens who thing making out on the bus is romantic.

Sincerely,
Tanya


So that's pretty much it for the good byes. I probably missed someone, but luckily for me (and my ability to ever get references again) they don't really know about this blog. *phew*

Letters to my Day: Volume 1

As I have no business in politics, let's get back to my true wheel house: Strange and Weird things that make little to no sense.

I would like to write a series of open letters to the area in which I work because I am leaving in two days and will be going to a new job a few block away. It doesn't sound so far but its a whole new set of things to learn.

Let's start at the beginning of my day.


Dear Alarm Clock,

F@#% you. I will not miss 5 am at all. I will see you in two weeks when I have to go back to work. But for now, shut up and stop being so bright.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear School Bag,

I use you because if I didn't I would forget all my passes and keys. I think we work well together, however I would like to know why the hell you are so heavy. There is nothing in you except two notebooks and my wallet and we all know I have no money. Be less heavy you porker.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Mom's Jeep,

Thank you for allowing me to sit in you all the time. However stop leaking oil because it smells bad and makes people nervous.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Bus Witch,

I look forward to having a couple weeks to rid myself of all your voodoo curses you have been mumbling at me every day as you exit the bus. I am almost sure you will still be there should I return, but if you could maybe use your witch craft for good and let me win the lottery I would totally buy you a broomstick so you wouldn't have to ride the bus anymore.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Miscellaneous Bus Drivers,

Every time I get used to one of you, you switch out drivers. That is fair because it is kind of the worst bus route ever. I would like to suggest that you stop using the smaller buses for a route that clearly needs a big one, and also when you pull away from the curb, stop being so evil and wobbly. I fall and its embarrassing and painful.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Newspaper Man,

Good luck and I hope people are nicer to you. Don't let the stuck up downtown people get you down. You should probably get a puppy or a small monkey, I hear that works for other people. Not that you are a beggar, but people love puppies. Better yet, give me a puppy and then I would take all of your newspapers to train my puppy. Do you see how this is a win win situation? I am so smart sometimes.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Tim Horton's Lady,

It is both an honour and an embarrassment that you now know exactly what I want and get it before I even have to say anything. Thank you for not seeming like your judging me even though you probably are.

Sincerely,
Tanya


We haven't even made it into my office yet. Clearly a lot of people have a big impact on me every single day. I think I will come back to this a bit later as the emotion is too much. Well, it would be if I were capable of feeling emotions like a normal person. Although I don't think normal people care about bus witches. That just shows you how nice of a person I am. Sort of. 

Stop eating so many pennies back pack. Too freakin' heavy.

Letters to my Day: Volume 1

As I have no business in politics, let's get back to my true wheel house: Strange and Weird things that make little to no sense.

I would like to write a series of open letters to the area in which I work because I am leaving in two days and will be going to a new job a few block away. It doesn't sound so far but its a whole new set of things to learn.

Let's start at the beginning of my day.


Dear Alarm Clock,

F@#% you. I will not miss 5 am at all. I will see you in two weeks when I have to go back to work. But for now, shut up and stop being so bright.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear School Bag,

I use you because if I didn't I would forget all my passes and keys. I think we work well together, however I would like to know why the hell you are so heavy. There is nothing in you except two notebooks and my wallet and we all know I have no money. Be less heavy you porker.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Mom's Jeep,

Thank you for allowing me to sit in you all the time. However stop leaking oil because it smells bad and makes people nervous.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Bus Witch,

I look forward to having a couple weeks to rid myself of all your voodoo curses you have been mumbling at me every day as you exit the bus. I am almost sure you will still be there should I return, but if you could maybe use your witch craft for good and let me win the lottery I would totally buy you a broomstick so you wouldn't have to ride the bus anymore.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Miscellaneous Bus Drivers,

Every time I get used to one of you, you switch out drivers. That is fair because it is kind of the worst bus route ever. I would like to suggest that you stop using the smaller buses for a route that clearly needs a big one, and also when you pull away from the curb, stop being so evil and wobbly. I fall and its embarrassing and painful.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Newspaper Man,

Good luck and I hope people are nicer to you. Don't let the stuck up downtown people get you down. You should probably get a puppy or a small monkey, I hear that works for other people. Not that you are a beggar, but people love puppies. Better yet, give me a puppy and then I would take all of your newspapers to train my puppy. Do you see how this is a win win situation? I am so smart sometimes.

Sincerely,
Tanya


Dear Tim Horton's Lady,

It is both an honour and an embarrassment that you now know exactly what I want and get it before I even have to say anything. Thank you for not seeming like your judging me even though you probably are.

Sincerely,
Tanya


We haven't even made it into my office yet. Clearly a lot of people have a big impact on me every single day. I think I will come back to this a bit later as the emotion is too much. Well, it would be if I were capable of feeling emotions like a normal person. Although I don't think normal people care about bus witches. That just shows you how nice of a person I am. Sort of. 

Stop eating so many pennies back pack. Too freakin' heavy.

Advertising and Cows

Why do commercials always use such advanced and unrealistic fake computers? Do they think it makes them look like Iron Man? Because I'm 100% sure dentists don't have those kinds of computers to research toothbrushes. Or this online poker game commercial staring this Russian Vin Diesel looking guy - he for sure doesn't own a computer like this. Oh maybe he is french, and some kind of Rockette. He just did a very impressive high kick. So perhaps he does have that fancy computer. He is perhaps the French/Russian James Bond.

But to the dentists, I know you don't have those fancy computers. They don't exist I am pretty sure (unless your Russian/French James Bond). If they do, I want one.

Its only 8am, I have only been here for an hour and I am already bored.

The other day Dave drove to the Macs and as I sat in the car waiting for him to buy some canned energy, I saw the milk advertisement that featured a large picture of a cow. Now, I happen to like cows. I had a pet cow once, but I don't want to talk about that. I think cows are pretty cute in general. The Cow in this picture, I will henceforth name him Stewart, had the worse hair in the world.

Then I began to wonder to myself, was he having a bad hair day? Do all cows have this ridiculous of hair? I don't remember ever seeing a cow with hair before, is Stewart just an extra classy cow? Do cows ever get jealous of horses hair? and s one until Dave came back with his energy drink.

I just tried to find the ad and failed, but I did find some other lovely pictures to share.



This is like, the Cow version of Justin Beiber or that kid from the directions boy band



He has fancy highlights so he is clearly extra fancy.



Someone needs an ear hair trimmer.




This cow is clearly wearing a toupee. I mean, I don't know who this cow thinks he is kidding, but that is clearly not his hair. He is clearly my favourite and I shall name him Maurice.

 So apparently cows have hair. And it almost always looks ridiculous. Just another reason to love cows, and the advertisements I see that make me google things like "cows with bad hair". (Yes I promise that is what I googled to find these).

Advertising and Cows

Why do commercials always use such advanced and unrealistic fake computers? Do they think it makes them look like Iron Man? Because I'm 100% sure dentists don't have those kinds of computers to research toothbrushes. Or this online poker game commercial staring this Russian Vin Diesel looking guy - he for sure doesn't own a computer like this. Oh maybe he is french, and some kind of Rockette. He just did a very impressive high kick. So perhaps he does have that fancy computer. He is perhaps the French/Russian James Bond.

But to the dentists, I know you don't have those fancy computers. They don't exist I am pretty sure (unless your Russian/French James Bond). If they do, I want one.

Its only 8am, I have only been here for an hour and I am already bored.

The other day Dave drove to the Macs and as I sat in the car waiting for him to buy some canned energy, I saw the milk advertisement that featured a large picture of a cow. Now, I happen to like cows. I had a pet cow once, but I don't want to talk about that. I think cows are pretty cute in general. The Cow in this picture, I will henceforth name him Stewart, had the worse hair in the world.

Then I began to wonder to myself, was he having a bad hair day? Do all cows have this ridiculous of hair? I don't remember ever seeing a cow with hair before, is Stewart just an extra classy cow? Do cows ever get jealous of horses hair? and s one until Dave came back with his energy drink.

I just tried to find the ad and failed, but I did find some other lovely pictures to share.



This is like, the Cow version of Justin Beiber or that kid from the directions boy band



He has fancy highlights so he is clearly extra fancy.



Someone needs an ear hair trimmer.




This cow is clearly wearing a toupee. I mean, I don't know who this cow thinks he is kidding, but that is clearly not his hair.
He is clearly my favourite and I shall name him Maurice.

 So apparently cows have hair. And it almost always looks ridiculous. Just another reason to love cows, and the advertisements I see that make me google things like "cows with bad hair". (Yes I promise that is what I googled to find these).