I am back.

Alright I am back.

I know I didn't earn a break because I am not important or anything but I needed a little one while my body adjusted to a new life-source sucking chair.

That's right ladies, gentlemen and grandparents: I started my new job two weeks ago now and it sucks just as much if not more then the other one. Hurray. The new job is one of those jobs that has consistent things to do, however the options are really like choosing between a stab in the eye or a punch in the throat. I won't complain too much about it right now because I have other things to complain about, which is why you are all here right, to let me vent my obnoxious whining about my life that probably isn't as bad as I think it is? no? you just were sent here accidentally looking for something about "Rocket Powered Shoes", "Powered by Sweatpants" and my personal favourite, "Bear eating a Taco". Well those will come soon. (P.S. those are some of the search terms that people have used to find my blog. Not making that shit up. Sometimes I love the Internet so hard.)

So, you want to know what else has been happening to me lately?

Well on Thursday my phone died. Tragedy. I was looking forward to lastly the entire three years with one cell phone. I had 5 months left. I made it 2 years and 7 months with the same cell phone and I was in no way sick of it. However out of nowhere, as I was sitting doing my job enthusiastically as possible, a low rumble started to vibrate across my desk. looking down I became afraid. Shifting ever so slightly, my phone moved towards me. The noises slowly grew louder, building and building, finally erupting in a blood curdling cry of pain and horror. As the screaming grew even louder lights began to fill the spaces between the keys. Blue light was shooting out of all the joints. As I pick up my phone I could see that it was not simple blue light, but a flame. I held my phone up off the surface and looked at it as the plastic melted. As the seams split a figure emerged. A small blue dragon unwrapped its wings like a butterfly free of its cocoon. Flapping its wings into my face it hissed one last blue flame into my eyes and flew off into the office.

Needless to say I spent my Thursday lunch time trying to get a new phone. The guy working there was clearly all into IPhone and kept trying to sell me the most obnoxiously large phones they had. Its either that boys don't understand that girl pockets are smaller and therefore do not have room for the larger phones, or they simply don't care. Also, when I say: I would like my exact phone but the newer one" I do not mean, "Please try to convince to buy something I never wanted so that I will have to learn an entirely new interface and shave down 90% of my thumbs because that's the only way a touch screen keyboard will even work for me." I left with the phone I wanted. With a pretty sweet deal. Bringing in my old phone got me a trade in value of 60$ because you know, official dragons releasing raises value, and my new phone was only 30$ with a new contract which I don't mind because I like my phone company enough. So basically moral of the story is that I win. New phone is fancy.

There is one really big loss with getting a new phone that I didn't think of. I was all concerned and worried about getting my pictures and contacts off my phone that I didn't think about the even more crucial and important thing: My notes. Blackberry's have this little notepad thing that you can keep all these notes. I had a bunch of them. Most importantly to you one filled of all my ideas I have for blog posts. Sometimes they are really cryptic like: guy at bus stop spits, but sometimes its actual things that are much more clear like: car. So now I have lost all my blog ideas I was still cultivating while I took my break. Hopefully there is some form of creativity left in my head that I can think of new things.

Alright, so moral of the story is that I am back. Sorry I left for so long.

Dear person looking for this, you are welcome.

I am back.

Alright I am back.

I know I didn't earn a break because I am not important or anything but I needed a little one while my body adjusted to a new life-source sucking chair.

That's right ladies, gentlemen and grandparents: I started my new job two weeks ago now and it sucks just as much if not more then the other one. Hurray. The new job is one of those jobs that has consistent things to do, however the options are really like choosing between a stab in the eye or a punch in the throat. I won't complain too much about it right now because I have other things to complain about, which is why you are all here right, to let me vent my obnoxious whining about my life that probably isn't as bad as I think it is? no? you just were sent here accidentally looking for something about "Rocket Powered Shoes", "Powered by Sweatpants" and my personal favourite, "Bear eating a Taco". Well those will come soon. (P.S. those are some of the search terms that people have used to find my blog. Not making that shit up. Sometimes I love the Internet so hard.)

So, you want to know what else has been happening to me lately?

Well on Thursday my phone died. Tragedy. I was looking forward to lastly the entire three years with one cell phone. I had 5 months left. I made it 2 years and 7 months with the same cell phone and I was in no way sick of it. However out of nowhere, as I was sitting doing my job enthusiastically as possible, a low rumble started to vibrate across my desk. looking down I became afraid. Shifting ever so slightly, my phone moved towards me. The noises slowly grew louder, building and building, finally erupting in a blood curdling cry of pain and horror. As the screaming grew even louder lights began to fill the spaces between the keys. Blue light was shooting out of all the joints. As I pick up my phone I could see that it was not simple blue light, but a flame. I held my phone up off the surface and looked at it as the plastic melted. As the seams split a figure emerged. A small blue dragon unwrapped its wings like a butterfly free of its cocoon. Flapping its wings into my face it hissed one last blue flame into my eyes and flew off into the office.

Needless to say I spent my Thursday lunch time trying to get a new phone. The guy working there was clearly all into IPhone and kept trying to sell me the most obnoxiously large phones they had. Its either that boys don't understand that girl pockets are smaller and therefore do not have room for the larger phones, or they simply don't care. Also, when I say: I would like my exact phone but the newer one" I do not mean, "Please try to convince to buy something I never wanted so that I will have to learn an entirely new interface and shave down 90% of my thumbs because that's the only way a touch screen keyboard will even work for me." I left with the phone I wanted. With a pretty sweet deal. Bringing in my old phone got me a trade in value of 60$ because you know, official dragons releasing raises value, and my new phone was only 30$ with a new contract which I don't mind because I like my phone company enough. So basically moral of the story is that I win. New phone is fancy.

There is one really big loss with getting a new phone that I didn't think of. I was all concerned and worried about getting my pictures and contacts off my phone that I didn't think about the even more crucial and important thing: My notes. Blackberry's have this little notepad thing that you can keep all these notes. I had a bunch of them. Most importantly to you one filled of all my ideas I have for blog posts. Sometimes they are really cryptic like: guy at bus stop spits, but sometimes its actual things that are much more clear like: car. So now I have lost all my blog ideas I was still cultivating while I took my break. Hopefully there is some form of creativity left in my head that I can think of new things.

Alright, so moral of the story is that I am back. Sorry I left for so long.

Dear person looking for this, you are welcome.

I Have no Business Here

I only have one goal today: Don't fall asleep.

I think this is going to be harder than giving birth. I can say this, because I have never given birth so I am going to pretend it is not so bad even though I know better because I took parenting by accident and they make you watch the life-ruining mind-scarring videos.

But point of this. I am really tired. For no real reason other than its coldish and rainy and I want to be snuggled up in bed with a good book and some hot chocolate.

There is a lot in the news about American politics lately. I find it a bit more interesting than Canadian politics, probably because I am the intellectual equivalent of a pug eating a rock but in all honesty there is just more funny things happening with it. There aren't many good jokes about Canadian politicians, they all are equally crazy. Stephen Harper is a robot. I am 100% sure of this and should I meet him one day I will throw a magnet at him and let you know how it goes. Although I am sure the manufacturers would be smart enough to know not to let him be magnetic. Hes probably built of gold or something. That's why I have to pay so many taxes.

Anyways, with all the famous people that I actually pay attention to talking about politics I tend to know more about the American races. More so when I am home during the days in school because then you hear the View with all their "important" opinions. Really, you just end up hearing who ever is loudest and then the blond one screams some. I liked her better when she was on survivor and they made her only eat rice.

I saw something tweeted from the unfairly pretty Oliva Wilde who quoted the good ol' Billy Clints saying he said something about it being unfair to expect Obama to be able to clean up the whole mess in four years. Which I agree with. Its like, the idiot toddler George got America all fat by binge eating for what eight years? And then you expect Obama to be all, well I can get this all buff in no time! No people. If you gain say 40 pounds in a year from eating only Tacos, it will probably take you like... 3 years to lose it unless you are famous and you have a celebrity trainer and your job depends on it.

Maybe that's why they elected Arnie, they thought he would best buff up California. I am so proud of California for that. I know it was a long time ago now, but it just still makes me so happy that of all the movie stars, Arnie was the one who ran that shit. Genius.

Anyways, I have no idea what anything to do with politics really means. I think Obama seems super neat but I know literally nothing of his politics. I mean as a person he seems genuinely excellent. Also his wife could kick your ass and you know it. I don't know anything of the other guy other than he has an unfortunate name. Who names their kid Mitt? Really now. Do parents not remember middle school? Do they just hate their children?

So I am not really taking sides. If I had to pick a side, I would probably just hide until its over - but not really because I am Canadian so I get no vote anyhow.  I just thought it was kind of funny that the republicans are using the excuse that Obama hasn't fixed anything in his first four years, but the reason its messed up in the first place was their Man-child in charge last time. That poor man, comedic gold I tell ya. My law teacher in grade eleven had a little "George a day" flip book. Every day there would be a new terrible quote that made me smile.

Anyways I probably shouldn't post this because me talking about politics is equivalent to asking a bear for tax advice. But I will post it because its the Internet, and I can probably guarantee you somewhere on the Internet you can find a bear giving tax advice so we are even. Sorry about the almost political opinions. Mostly I have an issue with people blaming others for their mistakes. Stupid people...



Obviously accountants wear hats when they give advice.




I don't know how to draw pugs...



I Have no Business Here

I only have one goal today: Don't fall asleep.

I think this is going to be harder than giving birth. I can say this, because I have never given birth so I am going to pretend it is not so bad even though I know better because I took parenting by accident and they make you watch the life-ruining mind-scarring videos.

But point of this. I am really tired. For no real reason other than its coldish and rainy and I want to be snuggled up in bed with a good book and some hot chocolate.

There is a lot in the news about American politics lately. I find it a bit more interesting than Canadian politics, probably because I am the intellectual equivalent of a pug eating a rock but in all honesty there is just more funny things happening with it. There aren't many good jokes about Canadian politicians, they all are equally crazy. Stephen Harper is a robot. I am 100% sure of this and should I meet him one day I will throw a magnet at him and let you know how it goes. Although I am sure the manufacturers would be smart enough to know not to let him be magnetic. Hes probably built of gold or something. That's why I have to pay so many taxes.

Anyways, with all the famous people that I actually pay attention to talking about politics I tend to know more about the American races. More so when I am home during the days in school because then you hear the View with all their "important" opinions. Really, you just end up hearing who ever is loudest and then the blond one screams some. I liked her better when she was on survivor and they made her only eat rice.

I saw something tweeted from the unfairly pretty Oliva Wilde who quoted the good ol' Billy Clints saying he said something about it being unfair to expect Obama to be able to clean up the whole mess in four years. Which I agree with. Its like, the idiot toddler George got America all fat by binge eating for what eight years? And then you expect Obama to be all, well I can get this all buff in no time! No people. If you gain say 40 pounds in a year from eating only Tacos, it will probably take you like... 3 years to lose it unless you are famous and you have a celebrity trainer and your job depends on it.

Maybe that's why they elected Arnie, they thought he would best buff up California. I am so proud of California for that. I know it was a long time ago now, but it just still makes me so happy that of all the movie stars, Arnie was the one who ran that shit. Genius.

Anyways, I have no idea what anything to do with politics really means. I think Obama seems super neat but I know literally nothing of his politics. I mean as a person he seems genuinely excellent. Also his wife could kick your ass and you know it. I don't know anything of the other guy other than he has an unfortunate name. Who names their kid Mitt? Really now. Do parents not remember middle school? Do they just hate their children?

So I am not really taking sides. If I had to pick a side, I would probably just hide until its over - but not really because I am Canadian so I get no vote anyhow.  I just thought it was kind of funny that the republicans are using the excuse that Obama hasn't fixed anything in his first four years, but the reason its messed up in the first place was their Man-child in charge last time. That poor man, comedic gold I tell ya. My law teacher in grade eleven had a little "George a day" flip book. Every day there would be a new terrible quote that made me smile.

Anyways I probably shouldn't post this because me talking about politics is equivalent to asking a bear for tax advice. But I will post it because its the Internet, and I can probably guarantee you somewhere on the Internet you can find a bear giving tax advice so we are even. Sorry about the almost political opinions. Mostly I have an issue with people blaming others for their mistakes. Stupid people...



Obviously accountants wear hats when they give advice.




I don't know how to draw pugs...



Thunderstorm bears and Zantac

So my best friend either slept through our lunch date, or she was mauled by thunder storm bears before she was able to text me, therefore leaving me alone with my thoughts. We all know how terrible of an idea that is. Good job Crystal. you are to balme for the following.

My lunch was not as good as I expected. Usually left over goolash (a complex recipe of cheese, macaroni and tomato "sauce". The quotes are there because my family uses Tomato soup and sugar and I know its weird and embarrassing so shut up and stop judging us. It tastes good okay!) Anyways, usually left over Goolash is amazing and even better then the first time, but I think its because I ate too fast its hurting my tummy. Zantac to the rescue! I feel like I need an endorsement deal for Zantac. I could totally do it, Watch:

*fade in, woman sitting at desk typing on computer and eating her lunch at the same time. Computer features complex colour coded chart. Woman is shoving food quickly into her mouth.*

voice over man with unbelievably low voice: "Are you often busy? Do you have to multi task? Do you not even get to look at your lunch while you eat because you have to focus on the screen? Does eating this fast hurt your stomach?"

Woman at desk: *turns to camera with mouthful of pizza and other hand on blackberry while her legs have a medicine ball in between them that she is lifting* she nods.

VOMWULV: "Have you ever tried Zantac?"

WAD: *tilts head to the side and furrows brow*

VOMWULV: "Zantac is for all those people too impatient to eat at a normal rate, or those who refuse to believe that heartburn is a sign of imminent and quickly approaching death. Do you often feel sick after eating your fast and convenient foods? Do you often feel as though a small baboon is trying to jump out of your stomach? Then Zantac is just the pill for you! One small pill after eating will let you continue to do the following:

•  Eat excessive quantities of unhealthy food
• Trick your body into believing it can handle McDonald's
• Stop excessive and embarrassing gas when you share a cubicle
• allow you to get back to acting as though your irrelevant job is the most important in all the land

Pick up a pack of Zantac today!"

Really fast talking guy talking as woman at desk has a montage of smiling while eating gross food: "Zantac may or may not cause you to be better at your job, but only if you aren't a lazy asshole who is normally using stomach problems as an excuse not to work. Zantac cannot be held responsible for any firings related to faking acid reflux. Zantac is capable of curing all major diseases as it is made of unicorn tears  however you must believe in magic for this to be true. And you can't just say you believe in magic, you legitimately must believe in magic. Zantac is not liable should it not cure your disease because unicorn tears are very tricky and know what you believe more so than yourself, also in some quality control tests the unicorns used were found to be obese ponies which stole the horns of a narwhal. The Narwhal carcasses were found in the dumpster and were in no way manufactured into any Zantac product. We swear. Zanatc may cause one or all of the following symptoms, shortening of the left leg, lengthening of the right ear lobe, excessive babbling, enhanced hearing capabilities, decreased listening capabilities, lowered capacity to care about your job, increased abilities to lie, and above all it will cure your indigestion. Please enjoy responsibly."

*fade out on image of woman holding a box of Zantac and a slice of pizza with a taco and chicken wing on top of it.*

And guess who just made the best commercial EVER.

Your welcome Zantac. You should pay me. If I see this shit on TV I will sue.  But should you want to pay me to advertise or create lovely ads for your glorious magic pill, send me an email!

PS: Crystal, do you see what happens when you ignore me all morning? I am forced to make ridiculous commercials ALL ALONE. You could have helped me with this and then you can share my lucrative indigestion medicine. I could be the spokeswoman for indigestion. I am probably the only person whose weird enough to get ulcers at 15 and instead of getting medication renewed just ignore it. I treat you well stomach lining. we get along just fine.

PPS: I hope no thunder storm bears got you. That would be rough, they can be pretty pushy sometimes.

PPPS: I am running out of posits on my open pack and I don't really want to open a new one but I guess I have to because this is business... too bad they are the shitty no-name post its.




They can be so pushy with their helpful magical umbrellas that always cover you perfectly even when held crooked. (See how I Covered my drawing mistake there, I am so clever)



Who doesn't want to eat a chicken wing-taco pizza. Although I guess it would need to be a  boneless wing or tragedy would strike the set of my Zantac commercial and they wouldn't invite me back for at least 6 months out of respect to the actresses family, and then when I do come back her family will protest outside my set causing a lot of noise disruption, so much so that eventually Zantac will let me go and I will move under a bridge in embarrassment. If only I can thought of the boneless wings before its too late. Oh, I guess it isn't too late yet. Well I just saved you life Zantac actress, you owe me one Pug.



Off I go to dig up some Zantac! This ad convinced me it will cure me from all possible issues!

Thunderstorm bears and Zantac

So my best friend either slept through our lunch date, or she was mauled by thunder storm bears before she was able to text me, therefore leaving me alone with my thoughts. We all know how terrible of an idea that is. Good job Crystal. you are to balme for the following.

My lunch was not as good as I expected. Usually left over goolash (a complex recipe of cheese, macaroni and tomato "sauce". The quotes are there because my family uses Tomato soup and sugar and I know its weird and embarrassing so shut up and stop judging us. It tastes good okay!) Anyways, usually left over Goolash is amazing and even better then the first time, but I think its because I ate too fast its hurting my tummy. Zantac to the rescue! I feel like I need an endorsement deal for Zantac. I could totally do it, Watch:

*fade in, woman sitting at desk typing on computer and eating her lunch at the same time. Computer features complex colour coded chart. Woman is shoving food quickly into her mouth.*

voice over man with unbelievably low voice: "Are you often busy? Do you have to multi task? Do you not even get to look at your lunch while you eat because you have to focus on the screen? Does eating this fast hurt your stomach?"

Woman at desk: *turns to camera with mouthful of pizza and other hand on blackberry while her legs have a medicine ball in between them that she is lifting* she nods.

VOMWULV: "Have you ever tried Zantac?"

WAD: *tilts head to the side and furrows brow*

VOMWULV: "Zantac is for all those people too impatient to eat at a normal rate, or those who refuse to believe that heartburn is a sign of imminent and quickly approaching death. Do you often feel sick after eating your fast and convenient foods? Do you often feel as though a small baboon is trying to jump out of your stomach? Then Zantac is just the pill for you! One small pill after eating will let you continue to do the following:

•  Eat excessive quantities of unhealthy food
• Trick your body into believing it can handle McDonald's
• Stop excessive and embarrassing gas when you share a cubicle
• allow you to get back to acting as though your irrelevant job is the most important in all the land

Pick up a pack of Zantac today!"

Really fast talking guy talking as woman at desk has a montage of smiling while eating gross food: "Zantac may or may not cause you to be better at your job, but only if you aren't a lazy asshole who is normally using stomach problems as an excuse not to work. Zantac cannot be held responsible for any firings related to faking acid reflux. Zantac is capable of curing all major diseases as it is made of unicorn tears  however you must believe in magic for this to be true. And you can't just say you believe in magic, you legitimately must believe in magic. Zantac is not liable should it not cure your disease because unicorn tears are very tricky and know what you believe more so than yourself, also in some quality control tests the unicorns used were found to be obese ponies which stole the horns of a narwhal. The Narwhal carcasses were found in the dumpster and were in no way manufactured into any Zantac product. We swear. Zanatc may cause one or all of the following symptoms, shortening of the left leg, lengthening of the right ear lobe, excessive babbling, enhanced hearing capabilities, decreased listening capabilities, lowered capacity to care about your job, increased abilities to lie, and above all it will cure your indigestion. Please enjoy responsibly."

*fade out on image of woman holding a box of Zantac and a slice of pizza with a taco and chicken wing on top of it.*

And guess who just made the best commercial EVER.

Your welcome Zantac. You should pay me. If I see this shit on TV I will sue.  But should you want to pay me to advertise or create lovely ads for your glorious magic pill, send me an email!

PS: Crystal, do you see what happens when you ignore me all morning? I am forced to make ridiculous commercials ALL ALONE. You could have helped me with this and then you can share my lucrative indigestion medicine. I could be the spokeswoman for indigestion. I am probably the only person whose weird enough to get ulcers at 15 and instead of getting medication renewed just ignore it. I treat you well stomach lining. we get along just fine.

PPS: I hope no thunder storm bears got you. That would be rough, they can be pretty pushy sometimes.

PPPS: I am running out of posits on my open pack and I don't really want to open a new one but I guess I have to because this is business... too bad they are the shitty no-name post its.




They can be so pushy with their helpful magical umbrellas that always cover you perfectly even when held crooked.
(See how I Covered my drawing mistake there, I am so clever)



Who doesn't want to eat a chicken wing-taco pizza. Although I guess it would need to be a  boneless wing or tragedy would strike the set of my Zantac commercial and they wouldn't invite me back for at least 6 months out of respect to the actresses family, and then when I do come back her family will protest outside my set causing a lot of noise disruption, so much so that eventually Zantac will let me go and I will move under a bridge in embarrassment. If only I can thought of the boneless wings before its too late. Oh, I guess it isn't too late yet. Well I just saved you life Zantac actress, you owe me one Pug.



Off I go to dig up some Zantac! This ad convinced me it will cure me from all possible issues!