Monday, August 27, 2012

Thunderstorm bears and Zantac

So my best friend either slept through our lunch date, or she was mauled by thunder storm bears before she was able to text me, therefore leaving me alone with my thoughts. We all know how terrible of an idea that is. Good job Crystal. you are to balme for the following.

My lunch was not as good as I expected. Usually left over goolash (a complex recipe of cheese, macaroni and tomato "sauce". The quotes are there because my family uses Tomato soup and sugar and I know its weird and embarrassing so shut up and stop judging us. It tastes good okay!) Anyways, usually left over Goolash is amazing and even better then the first time, but I think its because I ate too fast its hurting my tummy. Zantac to the rescue! I feel like I need an endorsement deal for Zantac. I could totally do it, Watch:

*fade in, woman sitting at desk typing on computer and eating her lunch at the same time. Computer features complex colour coded chart. Woman is shoving food quickly into her mouth.*

voice over man with unbelievably low voice: "Are you often busy? Do you have to multi task? Do you not even get to look at your lunch while you eat because you have to focus on the screen? Does eating this fast hurt your stomach?"

Woman at desk: *turns to camera with mouthful of pizza and other hand on blackberry while her legs have a medicine ball in between them that she is lifting* she nods.

VOMWULV: "Have you ever tried Zantac?"

WAD: *tilts head to the side and furrows brow*

VOMWULV: "Zantac is for all those people too impatient to eat at a normal rate, or those who refuse to believe that heartburn is a sign of imminent and quickly approaching death. Do you often feel sick after eating your fast and convenient foods? Do you often feel as though a small baboon is trying to jump out of your stomach? Then Zantac is just the pill for you! One small pill after eating will let you continue to do the following:
  •  Eat excessive quantities of unhealthy food
  • Trick your body into believing it can handle McDonald's
  • Stop excessive and embarrassing gas when you share a cubicle
  • allow you to get back to acting as though your irrelevant job is the most important in all the land
Pick up a pack of Zantac today!"

Really fast talking guy talking as woman at desk has a montage of smiling while eating gross food: "Zantac may or may not cause you to be better at your job, but only if you aren't a lazy asshole who is normally using stomach problems as an excuse not to work. Zantac cannot be held responsible for any firings related to faking acid reflux. Zantac is capable of curing all major diseases as it is made of unicorn tears  however you must believe in magic for this to be true. And you can't just say you believe in magic, you legitimately must believe in magic. Zantac is not liable should it not cure your disease because unicorn tears are very tricky and know what you believe more so than yourself, also in some quality control tests the unicorns used were found to be obese ponies which stole the horns of a narwhal. The Narwhal carcasses were found in the dumpster and were in no way manufactured into any Zantac product. We swear. Zanatc may cause one or all of the following symptoms, shortening of the left leg, lengthening of the right ear lobe, excessive babbling, enhanced hearing capabilities, decreased listening capabilities, lowered capacity to care about your job, increased abilities to lie, and above all it will cure your indigestion. Please enjoy responsibly."

*fade out on image of woman holding a box of Zantac and a slice of pizza with a taco and chicken wing on top of it.*

And guess who just made the best commercial EVER.

Your welcome Zantac. You should pay me. If I see this shit on TV I will sue.  But should you want to pay me to advertise or create lovely ads for your glorious magic pill, send me an email!

PS: Crystal, do you see what happens when you ignore me all morning? I am forced to make ridiculous commercials ALL ALONE. You could have helped me with this and then you can share my lucrative indigestion medicine. I could be the spokeswoman for indigestion. I am probably the only person whose weird enough to get ulcers at 15 and instead of getting medication renewed just ignore it. I treat you well stomach lining. we get along just fine.

PPS: I hope no thunder storm bears got you. That would be rough, they can be pretty pushy sometimes.

PPPS: I am running out of posits on my open pack and I don't really want to open a new one but I guess I have to because this is business... too bad they are the shitty no-name post its.

They can be so pushy with their helpful magical umbrellas that always cover you perfectly even when held crooked.
(See how I Covered my drawing mistake there, I am so clever)

Who doesn't want to eat a chicken wing-taco pizza. Although I guess it would need to be a  boneless wing or tragedy would strike the set of my Zantac commercial and they wouldn't invite me back for at least 6 months out of respect to the actresses family, and then when I do come back her family will protest outside my set causing a lot of noise disruption, so much so that eventually Zantac will let me go and I will move under a bridge in embarrassment. If only I can thought of the boneless wings before its too late. Oh, I guess it isn't too late yet. Well I just saved you life Zantac actress, you owe me one Pug.

Off I go to dig up some Zantac! This ad convinced me it will cure me from all possible issues!

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