Happy National Asshole Day!

Hi Everyone!

I am here to wish you a Happy National Asshole Day!

Today, people will be driving in attempts to kill you, driving really slowly, walking out into traffic, yelling at you for no reason, and generally acting like a prick all day.

This day is probably a result of parents being pissed off about having to spend all that money for their kids going back to school, and losing all of their vacation days wasted sitting at a water park with their spoiled kids. So they take it out on us poor people in the city.

The next big holiday is I.D.I.O.T. Day. It is the day in early September of Irresponsible Delirious, Inconvenient, Oblivious Teens. They will soon be going back to school, henceforth filling up the bus systems as they block the doors, they will walk hand and hand down side walks not moving for anyone, and they will be really loud and inconsiderate wherever they may go. This Day is not necessarily always a day, but more of a time period. It usually lasts until June. Sorry world.

 Perhaps its more of I.D.I.O.T Month, September is the worst. And June. Or all of it. Maybe a season? I.D.I.O.T Season from Sept-June?

If you are a teen and you are reading this take note: No one cares about anything you have to say when you are on public transportation. If you are with your friends, use your indoor voices. Remember when you learned that in kindergarten? Good, use them. Also, step away from the bus doors unless  you are getting off of the bus. Its rude. And lastly, just because you are all popular in high school and think you are relevant, you are not. This is the real world boys and girls, no one cares if you are the "most awesomest in the school" except your mother. So go talk loudly near her, because me and the other working chumps of the city could not care less.

If you are not one of those loud and annoying teens who actually have the mental capacity to respect the world around them, go get a cupcake you totally deserve it.

To all the assholes out there today on National Asshole Day: Please go get a sedative and stay home? I know that's too much to ask for because you are all already at work, I know I have already seen you and been annoyed by you. But if any of you are still home, stay there. Save the rest of us. Although maybe that makes me an asshole? Its allowed today I suppose, its defensive. The best defence is a good offence... or some other sports analogy that lets me get away with being an ass today...




Go Home Assholes! Your giving me eye spasms!



Happy National Asshole Day!

Hi Everyone!

I am here to wish you a Happy National Asshole Day!

Today, people will be driving in attempts to kill you, driving really slowly, walking out into traffic, yelling at you for no reason, and generally acting like a prick all day.

This day is probably a result of parents being pissed off about having to spend all that money for their kids going back to school, and losing all of their vacation days wasted sitting at a water park with their spoiled kids. So they take it out on us poor people in the city.

The next big holiday is I.D.I.O.T. Day. It is the day in early September of Irresponsible Delirious, Inconvenient, Oblivious Teens. They will soon be going back to school, henceforth filling up the bus systems as they block the doors, they will walk hand and hand down side walks not moving for anyone, and they will be really loud and inconsiderate wherever they may go. This Day is not necessarily always a day, but more of a time period. It usually lasts until June. Sorry world.

 Perhaps its more of I.D.I.O.T Month, September is the worst. And June. Or all of it. Maybe a season? I.D.I.O.T Season from Sept-June?

If you are a teen and you are reading this take note: No one cares about anything you have to say when you are on public transportation. If you are with your friends, use your indoor voices. Remember when you learned that in kindergarten? Good, use them. Also, step away from the bus doors unless  you are getting off of the bus. Its rude. And lastly, just because you are all popular in high school and think you are relevant, you are not. This is the real world boys and girls, no one cares if you are the "most awesomest in the school" except your mother. So go talk loudly near her, because me and the other working chumps of the city could not care less.

If you are not one of those loud and annoying teens who actually have the mental capacity to respect the world around them, go get a cupcake you totally deserve it.

To all the assholes out there today on National Asshole Day: Please go get a sedative and stay home? I know that's too much to ask for because you are all already at work, I know I have already seen you and been annoyed by you. But if any of you are still home, stay there. Save the rest of us. Although maybe that makes me an asshole? Its allowed today I suppose, its defensive. The best defence is a good offence... or some other sports analogy that lets me get away with being an ass today...




Go Home Assholes! Your giving me eye spasms!



Motorcycles and Butterflies

Because as a consistency is a clear priority to me, I am going to continue talking about aging today. In a way. Sort of. Mostly, but not really.

Anyways, today I saw an older man on my way to work. Now the thing with this older man was that he was in his Man-o-pause prime. This man was riding a motorcycle. It looked brand new and semi-fancy.

The problem with this, was that the poor old man looked like he would rather be chasing butterflies than riding his motorcycle.

The first thing I noticed was his helmet. Because I recently went helmet shopping because of Dave's ATV I know there are endless types and styles and sizes. This man, on his fancy-supposed-to-look-like-a-Harley-but-is-for-weenies bike was wearing the Vespa style of helmets in bright white. Didn't even get black to try to sneak it in as a cool retro style helmet.

The second thing, he was wearing a ladies jacket. I am about 80% sure this is true. The jacket we very tight fitted the way girls clothes do, and the shoulders were so poofy that it added an extra 3 inches on top of his crumpled and terrified frame.

The third and most important thing, he was wearing loafers. Brown loafers. Seriously buddy, when the people at the motorcycle dealership are laughing as they dress you, take a hint.

I understand the concept of a mid-life crisis. I have already gone through many. Mostly because I don't think I ever believed I would live this long and I didn't want to miss out on my chance, but I get bored and change things a lot. (Just to clarify I am not dying or diseased in anyway, I am just really clumsy and super unlucky and figured I would die young from extreme salt intake or something).

So, as a note to older/middle aged men and women: If you are going to do a crazy mid-life crisis thing, please be aware it affects other people. If you are too afraid to ride a motorcycle on the roads, then maybe just buy a boat. If you are afraid of both these things, get a wine cellar.

Choose your mid-life crisis carefully, you only get one.


 

Motorcycles and Butterflies

Because as a consistency is a clear priority to me, I am going to continue talking about aging today. In a way. Sort of. Mostly, but not really.

Anyways, today I saw an older man on my way to work. Now the thing with this older man was that he was in his Man-o-pause prime. This man was riding a motorcycle. It looked brand new and semi-fancy.

The problem with this, was that the poor old man looked like he would rather be chasing butterflies than riding his motorcycle.

The first thing I noticed was his helmet. Because I recently went helmet shopping because of Dave's ATV I know there are endless types and styles and sizes. This man, on his fancy-supposed-to-look-like-a-Harley-but-is-for-weenies bike was wearing the Vespa style of helmets in bright white. Didn't even get black to try to sneak it in as a cool retro style helmet.

The second thing, he was wearing a ladies jacket. I am about 80% sure this is true. The jacket we very tight fitted the way girls clothes do, and the shoulders were so poofy that it added an extra 3 inches on top of his crumpled and terrified frame.

The third and most important thing, he was wearing loafers. Brown loafers. Seriously buddy, when the people at the motorcycle dealership are laughing as they dress you, take a hint.

I understand the concept of a mid-life crisis. I have already gone through many. Mostly because I don't think I ever believed I would live this long and I didn't want to miss out on my chance, but I get bored and change things a lot. (Just to clarify I am not dying or diseased in anyway, I am just really clumsy and super unlucky and figured I would die young from extreme salt intake or something).

So, as a note to older/middle aged men and women: If you are going to do a crazy mid-life crisis thing, please be aware it affects other people. If you are too afraid to ride a motorcycle on the roads, then maybe just buy a boat. If you are afraid of both these things, get a wine cellar.

Choose your mid-life crisis carefully, you only get one.






Newspaper Lions

Surprise! I am bored again. Big shocker I am sure of it.

I just wanted to take a moment to say a big thank you to the nice old man who works for the Metro newspaper. I get off the bus and he has been there every day for a while now (sometimes it changes people) and he hands me my free paper. Now, on days when the bus parks too far or is closer to the box I tend to just get them there but he always looks so sad and disappointed I try to see him.

I feel bad for this elderly man. He is so friendly and smiles at everyone but most people don't even make eye contact with him. What has the world come to if you can't even be bothered to look someone in the eyes and say "no thanks" if you don't want a free newspaper.

Today when he gave me my paper he said "don't ever stop smiling" to me and it probably was the highlight of my day. I guess it is because I am a small-town girl from one of the last places believing in common decency, but I just think its nice to be nice. At least to strangers just trying to do their jobs. It truly seems like a crappy job.

So, downtown please try to be nice to the paper people. They mean no harm and usually are just cold and bored so just give them a polite nod if you can possibly can spare the energy. It's not like its a lion trying to eat you, it is a person trying to give you a newspaper. Calm down.

Side note- as great as this old man is I really miss the old one. I had the same paper guy for probably close to a year and he was so friendly and I think he knew what bus I was on because he would see it coming and walk closer to it to give me my paper. One day they were giving away samples of special K bars and he gave me a full box. He was the greatest. But the new guy is also grand.

Newspaper Lions

Surprise! I am bored again. Big shocker I am sure of it.

I just wanted to take a moment to say a big thank you to the nice old man who works for the Metro newspaper. I get off the bus and he has been there every day for a while now (sometimes it changes people) and he hands me my free paper. Now, on days when the bus parks too far or is closer to the box I tend to just get them there but he always looks so sad and disappointed I try to see him.

I feel bad for this elderly man. He is so friendly and smiles at everyone but most people don't even make eye contact with him. What has the world come to if you can't even be bothered to look someone in the eyes and say "no thanks" if you don't want a free newspaper.

Today when he gave me my paper he said "don't ever stop smiling" to me and it probably was the highlight of my day. I guess it is because I am a small-town girl from one of the last places believing in common decency, but I just think its nice to be nice. At least to strangers just trying to do their jobs. It truly seems like a crappy job.

So, downtown please try to be nice to the paper people. They mean no harm and usually are just cold and bored so just give them a polite nod if you can possibly can spare the energy. It's not like its a lion trying to eat you, it is a person trying to give you a newspaper. Calm down.

Side note- as great as this old man is I really miss the old one. I had the same paper guy for probably close to a year and he was so friendly and I think he knew what bus I was on because he would see it coming and walk closer to it to give me my paper. One day they were giving away samples of special K bars and he gave me a full box. He was the greatest. But the new guy is also grand.

Your Issue is Unimportant to me.. Call Back Later

Because I won't be at work for the rest of the week (oh glory hallelujah!) I need to prepare my "Out of Office" message.

See, when you work here people send you many emails every day and about 85-95% of them have nothing to do with you. So I was just remembering that I needed to set my little response for when one of these unnecessary emails comes in and thought that instead of writing the typical :

"I will be out of the office until x date. Please contact so-and-so with any urgent matters."

I think this is what I would rather put:

"Hello chump.

I am currently on holidays and you obviously aren't.

That must suck for you.

I see you have sent me an email. I hope you are not expecting a reply any time soon because I am gone for days and even when I get back I won't get to this crap for a few hours mostly because I am lazy and don't care. Now, if this is URGENT, then you need to get a reality check. We work here... there are no life-saving or mind-altering experiments going on so it probably can wait. Unless this email is about a swarm of miniature unicorns circling your desk whispering about your impending doom then I honestly don't care. If you really think its urgent, then I guess you can try to complain to so-and-so but I can pretty much guarantee they will judge you just as much as I am going to when I get back.

I hope your non-holidays were decent. Also, you should get that unicorn problem looked into they sound like a hazard to your sanity.

Bye."

I think I am going to get fired soon.

Your Issue is Unimportant to me.. Call Back Later

Because I won't be at work for the rest of the week (oh glory hallelujah!) I need to prepare my "Out of Office" message.

See, when you work here people send you many emails every day and about 85-95% of them have nothing to do with you. So I was just remembering that I needed to set my little response for when one of these unnecessary emails comes in and thought that instead of writing the typical :

"I will be out of the office until x date. Please contact so-and-so with any urgent matters."

I think this is what I would rather put:

"Hello chump.

I am currently on holidays and you obviously aren't.

That must suck for you.

I see you have sent me an email. I hope you are not expecting a reply any time soon because I am gone for days and even when I get back I won't get to this crap for a few hours mostly because I am lazy and don't care. Now, if this is URGENT, then you need to get a reality check. We work here... there are no life-saving or mind-altering experiments going on so it probably can wait. Unless this email is about a swarm of miniature unicorns circling your desk whispering about your impending doom then I honestly don't care. If you really think its urgent, then I guess you can try to complain to so-and-so but I can pretty much guarantee they will judge you just as much as I am going to when I get back.

I hope your non-holidays were decent. Also, you should get that unicorn problem looked into they sound like a hazard to your sanity.

Bye."

I think I am going to get fired soon.