Friday, October 19, 2012

Squirrel Attack

Hello everyone!

I didn't update yesterday due to a traumatic event that happened to me.

You see, like the anti-social monster I am, when I am invited to work functions I immediately find a way out of it. Yesterday was no different, except that Karma bit me in the ass.

I fled the building prior to the commencement of the cupcake party and headed towards the rexall so I could get bus tickets and hopefully poptarts. I wandered around there for a while, attempting to kill time so that I wouldn't arrive back at work half way through their cupcake party because while leaving before the party is a bit rude, showing up halfway through is even worse. I think, I wouldn't really know because I am too socially stupid to understand proper cues. Anyways, I wandered, found poptarts, got my bus tickets and then decided to go sit in the food court area so I could sit and write for a while.

Then I remembered I had no pen because I unloaded them all at work so I would have some of my good pens to use. I was still going to go sit down but as I approached the food court it was completely full. Also it was really loud so I would be useless there.

I walked back to my building but it was still too soon to go in because there was no way they would be done cupcake-ing yet. I awkwardly sat on an empty bench outside and started texting anyone who I could hope to be awake and not too busy so that I wouldn't just be sitting and staring blankly at the outdoors. That is acceptable in places where there is nature and pretty things to look at. Not downtown where all you can look at is Tim Horton's and a woman coughing.

This is when it happened. As I was texting people who weren't answering, I was viciously attacked. Not only was I viciously attacked, but it was by a murderous squirrel. Traumatic I know.

Here is how it happened. As I sat there minding my own business, a large brown squirrel ran up directly from under my seat. I was lucky enough to have been sitting cross-legged on my bench because its comfy. He stopped just in front of the bench so that I could see him, he turned to me and growled. Simply the warning from what was to come. Then, I suppose because I hadn't run away as he had suggested with the menacing growl, it leapt at my throat. Teeth reached my skin and dug in. It held on solidly as I flailed to remove its death grip on my jugular vein. I could feel my life slipping away as the blood poured over the creature. Apparently the blood was more than it could take as I heard it beginning to choke on the excess liquid invading its throat and nostrils. It let go for only a moment to spit out some of the blood and in that moment I was able to bring all my energy to my left arm and reach across and grab him by the throat. I held the bloody creature by the throat watching it struggle against my strength. However, despite its attempt on my life I couldn't kill it. I couldn't harm another living creature (other than bugs because they suck). I took the squirrel to find a cage and seek medical attention for my jugular vein. He will be rehabilitated and kept as an attack squirrel for my enemies. Luckily he choked in enough time that I didn't die. I believe I will name him Luis (pronounced Loo-eece).

So, you see this is why I could not post yesterday as I was obviously busy. You may not believe this actually happened but let me ask you this: How on Earth could any one be so weird as to think of this story in a sitting? Clearly it must have happened. No one could possibly be that strange right.

As for the scar on my throat, I had a special doctor who was able to glue all my skin back so the scar will not be noticeable and all the healing will be under the skin flap. What a genius.

So, I would like to introduce you all to my new pet Attack Squirrel, Luis:

[caption id="attachment_159" align="alignnone" width="2592"]The Attack Squirrel So don't mess with me. (PS I only looked up the proper spelling after I had already drawn this picture so ignore the O apparently that makes it pronounced wrong.)[/caption]


  1. surprised that there is no blood dripping from his fangs ? this diagram was clearly drawn before the attack occurred...

  2. After I got him cleaned up actually. the blood dripping was too traumatizing you see. bad memories.

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