Thursday, August 22, 2013

Inconvenient Super Skillz

This Mustache Wizard is quite the little weirdo isn't he? He fits right in with our Attack Squirrel and Toilet Penguins.

This is a tricky challenge for sure. I am sure normal people often think about becoming a super hero and I am WAY beyond normal so it is literally one of my top recurring thoughts.

Tanya's Top Recurring Thoughts:

  1. Where can I get Ice Cream

  2. I wish I were a super hero

  3. (If I am not wearing Sweatpants) I wish I were in my sweatpants

  4. (If I am wearing sweatpants) Man I love sweatpants

So it's a good thought process constantly forming around being super. I have often thought about what powers I would want, how I would use them, and even sometimes how I would have come to develop them. Would I be like Batman/Batgirl/Robin who are all normal people with too much money and athletic ability so they beat up criminals after training for years? Would I be bitten by some radioactive spider? Would I be given a super serum that makes me grow two feet and become super attractive and bad ass while still maintaining my short person attitudes? Would I find out that I was a mutant and had these powers all along but didn't know how to use them? So many options and origin potentials. Mustache Wizard, now that has not been done yet. Maybe... Unless you count Dumbledore who kind of makes Harry into a super hero sort of by being all "FIND THE HOROCRUX HARRY!" and then dying so that Harry HAS to find the horocrux(s? what is the plural of horocrux? J.K Rowling, little help?) because otherwise hes going back on a dead man's last wish and that would be rude. MOVING ON!

Okay so if you are lost, Crystal challenged me to pick between the three faulty super powers that the Mustache Wizard was looking to grant me. Are you following now? As a reminder if you don't want to read the whole thing these are my three options:

1. You can become invisible. It’s not at will and no one is quite sure how it is triggered, no one knows when it ends. You can’t go through walls, people can still hear you when you speak/move/pass gas.

2.  You can hear people’s thoughts. Rules: it can’t be turned on or off at will, they have to be within a 50 meter radius of you and you will hear every thought. Keep in mind that most people don’t think through everything they are doing, aren’t serious about everything they think and their minds are most likely in the gutter more than half the time.

3. You can never die. This one kind of speaks for itself. You have the gift and curse of immortality and you’ll be around when the world burns. Oh and you can still feel pain. Duh, forgot to mention that.

So Crystal asked if I would accept his offer or reject it and why, so let us analyze the possibilities shall we before we make any crazy decisions.

1. Unstable Invisibility:

  • Well not being able to control it really limits it ability to be effective. If I could control it I could I suppose use it to spy but that only does me good if I then have the capability to do something with the information I have obtained. So say I become a super hero and find myself invisible for a good stretch, I wander into the super villains lair to spy and find out their devious plan. Situation A, I find out the plan and then what? notify the authorities? Perfect, they will call me the Super Snitch, or Situation B, I am sitting quietly waiting for the plan when my spotty invisibility gives out and there I am in the middle of a room of goons about to be either killed or much more likely trapped in an easily escape-able scenario which I will get out of because a super villain is nothing without a hero. (See the movie "Megamind" for proof. PS. yes I count movies as valid proof.)

2. Mind Reader:

  • Okay so this reminds me of the movie "What Women Want" (again, yes my whole life revolves around movie plots apparently and all interactions are then filtered through and responded to in a less dramatic version) So if you don't know the movie it's basically that Mel Gibson gets electrocuted and then can hear all the women's thoughts. He is a misogynist but eventually turns himself around into a nicer fellow. But he then loses his powers and blah blah blah boring. Anyhow, the thing is, he hears the talking all the time. Now it might be fine if you are in the room with one person because that's only one thing to hear on top of them talking, but imagine you are sitting on the bus and everyone is thinking different things in different languages? I can't even keep the voices in my head straight let alone the voices of hundreds of others. Also, how would this help me stop a super villain? I guess if I could situate myself again far to close to them I could know their plans and just inconvenience them at every turn, but there are only so many times I can follow them around the world. They would eventually catch on and just get a restraining order so that I can't get close enough to hear their thoughts and then BAM I useless.

3. Forever Alive:

  • So what this doesn't specify which I am glad I thought of now was no where does the Mustache Wizard specify that you would never get old. He just said never die. So would you keep deteriorating until you were a gelatinous ooze of old puddling around in a blob until the end of time comes, a giant comet blows up the earth and then I am stuck floating the universe as a puddle of skin? That's an unpleasant visual. Although this one does prove the most useful against bad guys, as if you never die then you have lots of time to train in various death-skills (martial arts, shooting, etc.) also, maybe in the future they will have readily available jet packs so I could fly around and stuff. Also gives me lots of time to get money and stuff. Even if I can't just make it I could perhaps steal it, if I served a bunch of years in prison I would just still be alive so I could go find it when I got out. Although again, gelatinous skin blob is not very conducive to fighting crime.

[caption id="attachment_565" align="aligncenter" width="945"]end of the world When you become a giant skin blob it becomes harder to find clothes that fit.[/caption]

So all choices equally considered, I think I would have to say no to the Mustache Wizard and just remain a regular person. Also, as I was taken to an island with Crystal and Chris Pine I don't need any powers. I got all I will ever need. (Side note: I took like 20 minutes drawing that picture. I should probably reevaluate my priorities but it for sure isn't going to happen.)


Now that you have started a discussion of super heroes, I would like to continue that.

Your challenge is to pick a super hero whom you would marry. Now, this isn't all that simple. You will have to take each super hero from the list below and check them through the criteria provided.

Here is your list of potential suitors:

  • Batman

  • Superman

  • Captain America

  • Thor

  • Iron Man

Now you take each of those lovely fellas and study them for the following criteria:

  1. Personality

  2. Background/Baggage (ex girlfriends, dead parents, PTSD, in wrong millennium, etc.)

  3. Career/Day Job (outside of vigilante duties)

  4. Super Power - how would that effect home life

  5. Villains you would have to deal with - how would that affect you

  6. Family/Friends/Team Mates - would you want them coming over to your house

  7. Home - where would you live? Would you ask them to relocate?

  8. Attractiveness - Are you picturing them as the actor in the movie/which actor if more than one actor has played them/if you don't like the current actor cast your own choice.

And then pick a husband. Good luck and enjoy! DFTBA!

1 comment:

  1. pretty sure the plural of horocrux is "horocruxi" (as in "Foci" - the plural of the Focus cars a la Grampie LOL )

    p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!! xoxoxox


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