Ways that movies have ruined my life

Let me start off this post by saying that you and Batman are tied in first for world greatest detective. You put way more thought into deducing the lie than I thought you would and I loved reading your reasoning. That that was the hardest challenge yet. Researching Kevin was nothing compared to trying to figure out half truths I could tell you to trick you into thinking I was cool and did stuff. And the answer is - #3 is a lie. I DID go fly home from Edmonton on a plane that experienced a lot of turbulence, I did cry BUT I didn't meet Olympic champions. I knew that was going to far haha. I did meet two very nice, very calm professional dancers who talked me down from punching in the emergency exit window pane and hurling us all out the windows in the middle of the storm. It is something I will never forget, although I still love flying and turbulence is more of an annoyance than a fear of death.

On to the post! I have made a list of five reasons why movies have kind of ruined my life. I guess I don't mean ruin my life - I love movies. I have different films I watch annually, certain genres are good for certain kinds of weather, etc. If I thought I had any talent with writing, editing, producing or directing film, I'd go work for the film industry. Luckily for my already completed bachelor's degree in Classical Studies, I don't. I guess what I mean by the title is that I relate a lot of my life to movies, regardless of the genre. When I'm in certain situations, I remember what characters in my favourite movies have done, what they've said, how they've reacted, and I'll model my own actions from that I guess. It may be because of my lack of social interaction, social anxiety and other fun mental health things that I do this, but whatever. If anyone can tell me they've never said a line from a movie in a conversation, I will kick that person in the shin. They are a liar.

1. Cruise ships. When I was 10 we got the chance to go on a Cruise from south Florida to the Bahamas. It was 3 days, all inclusive, and we could beach hop around and settle back down in the Continental US and hit Disney and Universal for the last couple days of our trip. YAY! Beach time and overgrown mice with white gloves all in the same week! Everyone thought it would be a roaring success. I can tell you that it was not. Remember Titanic? I’m not trying to say that a iceberg scenario played out off the coast of the southern united states, but I was somehow terrified it would happen. We boarded the ship and dropped our bags off and headed upstairs to look around the public areas. Before we left the port, we – like I assume all cruise ship passengers are asked to do – were called to the second deck to listen to the safety procedures. It’s exactly like an airplane. I should mention I’m not scared of planes, but that may be because I haven’t seen Snakes on a Plane yet.  Anyways, they started showing us how to climb into lifeboats and that’s when it happened: Titanic flashbacks. I can’t stress enough that I freaked myself out. We were told absolutely everything was prepared for, there were ample boats for all passengers and crew, and the obvious, we were not in the Atlantic ocean. Still, when the storm hit later that night and continued for the next three days, I was positive we were going to die. I would be clutching to a door floating in the ocean, and the rescue crews would be too late. I would probably get eaten by a shark. The recent issues with cruise ships’ power shutting down and/or crashing has not renewed my love of oceanic travel.  

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 2. Basements. Do I need to explain this one, guys? Any horror movie where people go into a basement results in bad times. The one that is coming to mind right now is Cabin in the Woods, where –spoiler- they go into a basement and shit gets fucked up. Please excuse my language. And I loved Cabin in the Woods because it was really kind of funny in a way. Anyways... every now and then I’ll need to go into a basement to retrieve something only to get that tingle down my spine. Or I’ll walk down a deserted and ill lit hallway and think of FEAR extraction point (it’s a video game but it counts). I don’t think I told you guys that my last apartment’s basement looked like something out of the shining – and at least 3 other people said the same thing though unprompted. Being alone by myself scares me sometimes. I’ll sit in my room with my head phones in and the lights off and suddenly I’ll remember that someone could peek around my semi-open door with their murder-weapon-of-choice at the ready and I wouldn’t even hear the footfalls. Every time I do this I sit completely still and shut everything down in order to hear the killer in my house. When I shower, I think that if I close my eyes to shampoo my hair, I’ll open them to a knife in the face. So thank you, horror movies. I’m scared of life now. That’s spectacular. Job well done.

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3. Do you hear what I hear – the Christmas song. Or is it?

Soundtracks and one-liners have unexpectedly found their way into my life. It’s both wonderful and mildly frightening, depending on the song. Mellow Yellow by Donovan is playing? Remember that fun GAP ad that I grew up to? Someone’s whistling while walking down the street at night? Automatically the cheerful Don Lockwood in Singin’ in the Rain or the creepy Handsome John Pruitt from Adventures in Babysitting pop into my mind. When ‘Do you hear what I hear’ plays at Christmas, vicious and tiny creatures that you don’t feed after midnight claw their way into my conscious thoughts. The eight notes of the beginning of the Harry Potter theme automatically put me at ease, while minor chromatic tone clusters put me on edge, awaiting a murder. I hear songs featured in soundtracks and automatically the scene plays behind my eyes. I see Jack Sparrow standing on the masthead of a stolen boat and I see Garth thrusting his way towards his dream woman when 'Foxy' plays.. I don’t know if I could really say that soundtracks have ruined my life, though certain songs I can’t enjoy anymore without thinking of its sinister affiliation in my mind.

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4. Any romantic comedy ever. Thanks, romantic comedies. You’ve made my expectations of normal life exceedingly high. I am an extremely introverted person – I don’t meet people at bars or in the halls of my apartment building. (you're welcome, Tanya)I got my game face on when I go outside, but let’s face it: when I think I’m smiling and interacting with someone, I’m probably terrifying. I call it the bus face. Why? Because there was a girl on my bus in public school that used to sit in the back of the bus. When she’d talk to you, half the time she would kind of look at you, but the other half of the time she’d look up and her eyelashes would flicker. It made people uncomfortable. I assume that I too make people uncomfortable. I’m pretty positive that I don’t look like Eva Mendez or Natalie Portman either. My own morning routine doesn’t result in a perfect fresh faced makeup look and a blow out. I don’t breezily flirt with guys and have them crawling after me to date me.  I seriously would love Ryan Gosling chasing after me. Seriously. Any time. Relationships in real life don’t end in happily ever after once the hour and a half is up. Sometimes there is no winner to a fight, there is no grand gesture of apology and there is no reconciliation. Can someone teach me how to have an argument where everyone’s opinion is voiced and there is an obvious winner? It’s a sad truth, and romcom relationships aren’t realistic. Also has anyone noticed that almost everyone has a fun job in rom-coms? You’re a young worker at the met, working on a newly acquired Rembrant. You’re a magazine reporter, an FBI agent, a lawyer, a successful head hunter, an arts management expert or a business woman.(Note: the piece behind Josh Dumel and Kristen Bell is called 'Head On', by Cai Guo-Qiang and I love it) I realize there are a few downers in the rom-com world, but the majority of people featured have fun jobs or at the very least have a great group of friends surrounding them. They talk more than work; they get flowers delivered and wear band t-shirts and blazers to the office. Let me tell you that this is not the case.

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5. Crime. I love crime movies. Love them. Heist crime plots, detective plots, hero cop plots – send ‘em to me. Crime looks SO cool. You’re suave and sexy and intelligent.

Super huge myth. Super huge. Even a scruffy looking Brad Pitt a la Snatch is rare. The majority of theft and heists and crimes aren’t performed by men in impeccable suits. Even really fucked up criminals are romanticized. They become more interesting and diverse. They’re saving their wife; they’re paying an owed debt and their life is on the line; they’re getting revenge in the name of a friend who was assassinated.

Everyone has a reason that makes the audience become quickly attached to the character; they are not bad people, they just have to do a bad thing. Conversely, not having a reason is their reason and they’re just seen as badass. Someone tell me that the opening scene of Nolan’s Dark Knight didn’t pump you up for the rest of the movie.

Real crime is not that. It’s horrifying, it’s messy, it’s less than glamorous and you always root for the victims – obviously – you’re not a bad person. My Friday post will be about a recent art theft which is featured prominently in the news. Well at least in the art section. Art crime – theft, forgery, etc. – is a multi-billion dollar industry. A lot of the time art is traded amongst thieves or used as collateral in less alluring dealings: drug deals, arms trade, mob syndicate business or terrorism plots. There’s a hindrance to taking the Imperial Coronation Egg in that the particular artifact is widely known and a lot of people are out looking for it. You can’ just sell it at to an antique dealer. Cameras, paper trails, registries of lost artifacts and several different international crime fighting bureaus are around for a reason.

TANYA's CHALLENGE #3: I sent this to her yesterday to prepare her because it's quite the challenge. I want this challenge to be equally as difficult and descriptive *insert manacle laugh* wow. My email just made it that bold and more menacing than it was meant to be.Your challenge is to tell me about the movie of your life and draw the movie poster for theatre release. You must be descriptive but you don’t necessarily have to be factual! After all, what good is a movie that sticks to the book?

 Hope you have fun with this as much as I had fun with my challenge! I know you don’t have a ton of time once you start your new job (also blog-five for new adventures), so your next challenges might be more manageable. <3 DFTBA

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