Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Lies Save Lives

Lying gets a bad rap.

I understand the problem if your kid is all "No mom, I totally washed the dishes" when instead they just let the dog lick them until they resembled clean. Sure that's bad. Or like, "No mom, Johnny wanted to eat the pet goldfish, he asked me to help him." I get that.

But in the adult world, lying saves lives. Lying, is probably the only reason a lot of people remain friends, or why they continue to talk to certain people. It saves relationships, families, and the world. I am almost sure but maybe its all a lie.

Anyways, think about the most obvious life saving lie. "Does this make me look fat?" No, always no. Unless it is your very best friend and you are saving them from buying something horrible, but usually if they like the outfit enough to show you: they do not look fat. The best friend is the only one who gets to veto it and only for appropriate extreme situations but they should still be careful with their wording.

My favourite lie is when someone says "I never lie." That is the ultimate lie. Don't argue with me, because there is no way you have never lied. Unless your definition of lying is different then the rest of the world you have lied.

Small lies count. Its sad but true. It still sucks whether you get stabbed with a small knife or a big knife. The small ones count. (that's what she said... sorry had to be done.)

Take for example the lovely and awkward daily chit chat:

Annoying coworker: "Oh Hello, how are you, how was your weekend?"

You: "Fine*..."

Annoying coworker: "Ya, well that's good. My pool was a lovely 84 degrees all weekend and I spent my days floating around in an inner tube in my new speedo."

You: "Well that sounds nice**. You will have to invite me over sometime***."

*Your not fine, its Monday and you are at work.
** It does not sound nice. Your coworker is a prick and is trying to brag about his pool even though you didn't even ask. Also, speedos are gross especially on you overweight coworker.
*** You will avoid this person like a knife wielding hippo until winter and then pray to all the gods they forget.

See, small talk is built on lies. If you were honest with your annoying coworker and said "Hey pal, how about you shut your trap and mosey on down to your cubicle and talk to someone who cares" you would inevitably be fired, and then once you weren't able to find work after you had bullying and harassment suit on your record you would lose your house. Once you lost your house and were living under a bridge in a small park people would begin to call you the troll and throw stones at you, one child aiming directly at your eye permanently blindly you. Then, once your half blind people will steal your hobo things from your blind side and then you will have no food and you will be forced to eat your under-the-bridge friends Stan and Harley. Then you will go to jail and be stabbed by a large man they call King after you try to tell him about the temperature of you bridge water. See, lying saves three lives in this situation and in all honesty this is the best case scenario.

So keep up your silly little lies. as long as you aren't hurting someone they can only be helping you stay out of prison.

He had to sharpen his hobo-teeth to better chew his hobo treats.

Hippos with knives are a really big problem in Canada.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Shopping is Best When Done in the Comfort of Your Sweatpants!