Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Walk This Way

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they walk, but only if you can identify the signs. Here to help you is a guide to some of the more popular styles of walking.

The Earthquake:
This person steps in a manner not only allowing everyone to know they are coming, but they manage to shake the entire building as they move. Each slow and laboured step slams against the carpet/pavement/tile/wood floor and sends the reverberations as far as the surface continues sounding as though the T-Rex from Jurassic Park is about to eat your Jeep.  These people are often self-important and feel as though everyone around them should know they are coming. Alternatively, they may just be really overweight and their legs cannot quite manage a graceful decent.

The Ballerina:
This person tends to walk on their toes at all times. They are quiet and quick in their movements but they always look like they are about to do something evil due to their sneaky nature. As their slinky steps would indicate, this person tends to be of a devious disposition, continuous prepared to run away should their plan backfire. Alternatively, this person is wearing high heels and will fall if they rely on the small sliver of support. Secondary alternative, but far less likely, they have no heels due to a battle with robot sock monkeys.

The Mechanic:
This is a person who has a determined and speedy walk. They typically have somewhere to go, or at least look as though they do. They are not necessarily mechanics per day, however they may be considered as capable of fixing things, whether they be personal problems, work problems, or problems of how to get more snacks in the fridge. They take long steps at a quick pace the the average three year old needs to be in a full out run to keep up. Their basic walk is about as fast as most peoples speed walk. They are typically an efficient people, or at least they are efficient at getting places in a decent amount of time.

The Frump:
This is a person who walks with their shoulders slouching and their head dropping. They look like at any time they can curl up and sleep. They have no speed in their walk and typically meander slowly and randomly until they somehow arrive at their destination. By then they cannot remember why they are there and tend to spend the first five minutes figuring out their purpose.

The Penguin:
As this person waddles their way in front of your path you find yourself increasingly frustrated by their inconsistent trajectory and obnoxious wobble. As they make their way through the halls or up the sidewalk, moving as fast as a Weeble Wobble you should note that this person is probably one of two things: an inconsiderate jerk-nugget who has no consideration for the human race, or a really large person whose legs cannot bend or they will snap so they are forced to project themselves forward with their body weight.

The Royal:
This is a type of person who consistently walks with their nose in the air and is far too important to watch where they are going. Often snotty and rude, they tend to get upset by those who dare cross their path and force them to stop and slap someone with their perfectly pressed white glove. The only exception and allowance to this, is the Queen. She can do whatever the hell she pleases because she owns everything. Not technically anymore, but you know if you piss her off she could have you captured and stored in a honey jar. Don't F@#* with her.

The Race Car:
This person, similar to the Mechanic move quickly, however the race car is less effective. Where the Mechanic has a purposeful driven walk, the Race Car is simply speeding around people because they can. Often found to be swerving in and out of fellow pedestrians, the Race Car is the cause of many people-collisions and stubbed toes. These people are mostly just jerks, but sometimes they are Mechanics-in training, and soon enough their quick pace will be followed by purpose.

The Sloppy Joe:
Similar to the Frump, this person does not move with much purpose or speed, however instead of keeping their head down and avoiding people, the Sloppy Joe flops all over the path in an inconsistent and unpredictable manner. They will take time to check out all the items on either side of the aisle in a super market while simultaneously blocking the middle, they will wander from side to side on the sidewalk not allowing you to pass, and in general they just never move and have no idea what is going on. They probably think they are funny and friendly, but really they are just an ass.

The I.D.I.O.T.
This is a combination of a Sloppy Joe, a Royal, a Race Car with a touch of Earthquake and occasionally Penguin. This is the I.D.I.O.T. If you don't remember what this stands for, please read this. These young people are the ones who think that the whole world revolves around them and that no one else in the world has anything more important to do then stop in the middle of an intersection to discuss Twilight. They don't seem to understand that cars are bigger then them, and that people hate them.

So those are some of the basic types, there are many more.

There is one extra bonus type that is only accessible to a select few and only in dire situations.

Fair Skills:
Only available on a need-to-use basis, Fair Skills allow you to temporarily act like a Race Car but get away so fast that by the time people are annoyed you are long gone. Only for using in extremely crowded situations such as the Fair, or exiting large public events where if you do not make it to the other end quickly you will be stuck in traffic, or be late for something. You need to pass a test to be allowed to use this skill as it is beyond complex. There are only three known to date that possess this skill high enough to be deemed Fair Skills. Their identities must be kept secret for their safety.

What type are you?

1 comment:

Shopping is Best When Done in the Comfort of Your Sweatpants!