Thursday, August 9, 2012

Bathroom Etiquette

As previously mentioned and whined about, I work in an office. I don’t really think that I am meant to work in an office. I think that I am meant to be home in my sweatpants writing about people who don’t exist anywhere but in my scary black hole of a mind, however as of yet this has not paid any bills.
One of my main issues with working in this office, is the bathroom.
Now issue number 1:
The bathroom is outside of a door that is instantly locked and requires a swipe card to open. Granted I obviously have such a card, however should you forget it at your desk you look like an idiot waiting for someone staring through the window like a puppy in a pet store. The thing about these cards is that they are either on the lanyards which I believe we can all agree look pretty silly outside the building, or like mine, are on a clip on an extendo cord. I hook mine onto my pocket. The issue with this is, I have scars forming on my left hand/knuckles where the damn thing hits me every day if I flail my arms too much and lets be honest here, I flail a lot. Flailing keeps you sane. I should make a bumper sticker.
(This car looks like it could drive in space with its round roof and excessive tires... also, I should probably get that vanity plate because its clearly AWSM! I am going to make this right now and will update you when its ready!UPDATE: I did it!)
Anyways, on with the bathroom issue number 2:
Once you have exited the confined pen of workers in their khakis and hairspray, and you go into the bathroom and if lucky enough you able to find it empty. Then you can look in the mirror and clean anything out of your teeth, fix your hair, check and make sure your shirts not tucked up under your underwear, all the basics without the crazy person from two cubicles down watching you.
Then comes time to choose a stall. My bathroom here has four. Three regular size and one handicapped size. I usually take the regular one either one the wall or the regular one next to the handicapped one leaving much room for more people to use one nowhere near me, unless some bathroom emergency of the floor occurs where all the stalls fill up.  

Now, when the next person who should come in should take the stall at least one empty stall away. That is common knowledge and common courtesy. I have no desire to be less than two feet away from another person while I am peeing even if the magical metal barrier that separates gives this other person the illusion that I can’t hear them farting. Because I can. These women I work with, I just don’t overly understand if they are lonely, scared or need someone to give them a comforting word as they explode their liver into the porcelain receptacle,  but they have severe issues in understanding personal space.
So in the future, ladies of the workplace, whenever you go to a public washroom, whether there are 3 stalls or 30, if it is at all possible to choose one that is not directly beside another person, then choose that one. Otherwise you are just freaking people out.
Acceptable Exceptions:
-        Left over’s from previous idiot who doesn’t know how to flush in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away
-        Some idiot performing the hover manoeuvre to avoid getting set germs left pee everywhere in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away
-        It stinks in the stall that is the appropriate distance away
-        No toilet paper in the stall that is the appropriate distance away
-        You can hear the mini toilet penguins swimming in the toilet that is the appropriate distance away and want to avoid their siren songs which result in death by swirly. Tragic. 


  1. Death by toilet penguin sirens and a swirly... thanks fo rthe morning laugh!! :D

  2. […] This Mustache Wizard is quite the little weirdo isn’t he? He fits right in with our Attack Squirrel and Toilet Penguins. […]


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